Image credit: Annette Brown/The CW
FUNCTIONAL VAMPIRES Caroline (Candice Accola) and Elena (Nina Dobrev) are ready for college. And laundry day.
If Jeremy having faked his own death won't make him a social outcast, perhaps Jeremy talking to himself all the time will. He sat alone at school reading a text from Elena and Caroline, who want Bonnie at Whitmore NOW to help them deal with their new roomie. But Bonnie told Jeremy to write back that she was at the Grand Canyon. Now that Elena is really happy, Bonnie doesn't want to take that away from her. I know I just said I want Elena to stay happy, but I don't believe lying to her is the answer. Jeremy tried a different tactic with Bonnie: "What happens when your dad finds out you've been dead all summer?" he asked. Again, I laughed. It'll be cool when we get to see the other side and familiar faces there courtesy of Bonnie, but for now, this is a bit laughable. Bonnie's sent her dad postcards, he hasn't called. You're not winning this crazy battle, Jeremy. Just go to math class. Wait, stand still for a second so we can ogle you in that Henley. Thank you. Continue on.
Elena phoned Damon to tell him about her roommate, who I assume was paying her way through college with product placement. Damon told her what we and Caroline were all thinking: Compel Megan's ass out the door. But Elena doesn't want to just make Whitmore the new Mystic Falls. Damon had to end the discussion early because Katherine was waiting in his living room looking like hell. I guess vampire Katherine didn't have a savings account, so human Katherine can't afford a shower anywhere?
Now back in Mystic Falls, Matt was busy tapping kegs in the park when Rebekah showed up for a makeout session against a tree. Ah, The Vampire Diaries really is back! Those trees get so much action. We learned Nadia stole Rebekah's earrings AND ALSO JEREMY'S RING. Rebekah told Matt to tell Jeremy the ring was a threesome casualty and he'd be fine with it. Then she kissed him again and told him not to call, write, or miss her. (She's off to New Orleans, we presume.) Matt returned to work, and that's when we got our first look at Silas.
It was a pretty great entrance. Liz, who was drowning her sorrows in town fair food, invited "Stefan" over. Silas wasted no time outing himself. He grabbed her wrist, held it over a cup, cut it with a knife, and made himself a drink. Shouldn't that have hurt more? Shouldn't SOMEONE at the fair have noticed him slitting her wrist? Or holding it over that cup for a really long exposition scene for new viewers? (Was Silas making Liz and the town folk see what he wanted them to see already?) He told Liz/new viewers he was a 2,000 year old immortal that Caroline and her friends thought they'd gotten rid of. This is his real form; Stefan is his doppelgänger. He's psychic, so he can read her thoughts. Why the knife and not the neck? He came first. Vampires are nothing more than a disgusting perversion of him. He can't be killed, he needs human blood to function, but don't ever call him a vampire. Cheers. And then TWIST: She can't help him find what he's looking for, he said, so all she needs to remember is that Stefan stopped by to say hello.
At college, Megan got debriefed on her roommates' love lives and privacy rules. She seemed agreeable enough. A hot young man who we'd come to know as Jesse handed Caroline a flier for a party at Whitmore House that night. He checked Caroline out. It was only fair because lord knows we the viewers were giving him the once-over. I approve. He's got his own style -- short-sleeved Henley. Elena told him they'd be there. Meanwhile, at Mystic Falls High, two kids who clearly haven't seen Jeremy in a white tank top recently bullied him in the hallway. He kicked their asses. I assume no one will be messing with him again.
Oh, I was right! Because he's been expelled. Katherine took the call from the principal as Elena. The phone call had interrupted her explaining to Damon why she was there. It's not because she wants him to turn her into a vampire, which he'd actually offered to do. Since no one has taken the cure before, she has no way of knowing whether it would keep her from turning, which means even if she dies with Damon's blood in her system, there's a chance she could just stay human (and be dead). She told him someone's chasing her. He told her to run then. The problem is, she pleaded, she has enemies everywhere. What happens when they find out she's a slow human with blisters from her heels? She can't protect herself. She begged him to help her. It's nice that Damon wasn't his usual sarcastic self at that moment. It wouldn't have been attractive to see a man belittle a woman in need, even if it's Katherine. He just didn't say anything.
NEXT: The humanity switch conversation is back