'The Vampire Diaries' recap: Everyone's Screwed

Caroline showed up for the first time in weeks to ask Tyler to come home, but he insisted he’s going to spend every moment with Klaus until he can kill him. Klaus tried to say they were even -- Tyler’s mother’s dead, his brother’s dead -- so they should tell Bonnie to let him out. But Caroline, remembering Aunt Jenna was also among Klaus’ death toll, said she’d never help him and that he wasn’t even worth the calories she burns talking to him. That’s when Klaus impaled her with the other end of a lamp, pulled her to him, and bit her. “Now that was definitely worth the calories,” Klaus said. Lesson here, kids: Don’t taunt. It’s hard to feel sorry for you when the person being taunted, however evil, strikes back.

Later, Klaus made Tyler beg for him to give Caroline his blood to save her, and then he refused to do it even if Tyler became his slave again in exchange. Caroline couldn’t be the death we’ve been hearing is coming, right? Eventually, Tyler came up with a plan: Knowing that Klaus does care about her, Tyler took her back to him so he’d have to watch her die if he didn’t want to help her. Brilliant, or the worst move ever? At this point, we didn't know.

Returning to the island story, my new favorite (old) couple, Rebekah and Stefan, were sitting by the fire lamenting the lack of smores when they heard a noise. She jumped and crushed his arm when she grabbed him. He reminded her that she’s an Original vampire (cute), and she revealed again how much she wants to be human because being a vampire is miserable. Stefan said if he takes the cure, it’ll be for him, not Elena.

Bonnie figured out that there is no spell written in Jeremy’s mark, and Shane said there is no written spell required for Expression. You just have to want it bad enough; the magic is already inside of you. When Shane skated the question of whether Bonnie should trust him, Damon pressed for answers. What Shane means is that after his son died in a car accident, his witch wife tried to resurrect him with Expression. It overwhelmed her, and she died. Bonnie was understandably pissed that Shane taught her the same magic that killed his wife. But his wife, Shane said, was undisciplined, and he’s learned the warning signs so he can keep Expression from consuming Bonnie. That’s why they can’t kill him once he points to the cure: Bonnie needs to keep him alive so he can keep her alive. While that was going on, Jeremy was alone in his tent -- and got kidnapped by an islander.

In the morning, the group had to split up: Bonnie wanted to stay behind and try a locator spell, Shane wanted to stay with her, and Damon wanted to stay with Shane. That meant Elena got to go off with Stefan and Rebekah. Shane used the satellite phone he said earlier no longer worked, which set Damon off. He demanded to know where the cure is, and Shane said it and Silas are entombed in caves deep beneath that well. Flashback: Shane’s wife told him that if he helps raise Silas, Silas will help those who’ve helped him, which means Shane can raise both his wife and their son, Sam. She explained the necessity of the hunter’s mark, the spell, and the power of a descendant of Qetsiyah. “Bonnie Bennett’s related to this crazy ass witch?” Damon said. Speaking of Bonnie, she started a fire that spread and brought wind. Bored now.

Rebekah and Elena continued bickering as they walked with Stefan, and the only thing that shut them up was when Elena tripped a wire and almost got herself staked. Rebekah stopped the wood before it got to Elena. Point for Rebekah. Elena genuinely thanked her, but Rebekah wouldn’t play nice: She said she didn’t care if Elena died, but if it was going to happen, it should be epic. Ha. (But again, it’s bad to taunt.)

Damon, meanwhile, was still grilling Shane. He asked about the massacres. Flashback: Shane’s wife told him that he wouldn’t have to perform three massacres of 12 himself -- he just had to convince someone it was possible for them to see a loved one again, too, and they’d do it for him. They’d all come back, too, she said. (Is this vision Silas’ magic, fooling Shane?) Damon counted two massacres -- Pastor Young’s, so he could see his wife again, and Klaus’ holiday hybrid spree. Shane assured Damon that he hadn’t brought them all along to be part of massacre number 3 (sorry, islanders, it must be you!), but he wouldn’t tell him where the magical well is. Torture time?! YES! Shane tried to tell Damon he should leave the island rather than watch Elena find the cure and choose Stefan. He assumed Damon wouldn’t kill him because then Bonnie would die when she did the spell to access the cure. But Damon doesn’t care about Bonnie, he told Shane. And right before Damon snapped his neck, Elena arrived to stop him. Damn it. She freed Shane and told him to stop messing with her friends. There was something strange about his eyes. Was that magic/Silas in him, or was he just simply getting what he wants?

NEXT: The Damon reveal we've been building to

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