Ashton Kutcher may be a newly single man, but last night's Two and a Half Men certainly started in old familiar territory: with a dick joke. "Can I ask you a question?" Jake asked as he strolled through a supermarket aisle of non-name-brand cereals. Get me the Oat Blenders, yo! "No Jake, I've never measured my penis," Walden replied. Har-har.
Penis advice, however, was not what Jake desired. It was gainful employment. "If you have so much money, why do you do your own grocery shopping?" he asked. "You could just write a list and hire someone to do it for you. You know, like a 17-year-old go-getter with a valid driver's license and no chance of getting into college?" Okay, so he's not exactly aiming for the stars, but it's better than being Alan.
Walden declined, because grocery shopping was one of his new post-divorce empowerment hobbies. Also, the supermarket is really the only place where you frequently meet insanely attractive and stylish British women who don't know the difference between organic and grass-fed beef. Ask the clerk, lady! Walden gave her the long answer and sent her on her way, leaving Jake with no choice but to state the obvious: "She was totally hitting on you. You should ask her out." He did, and it worked. Side note: Has Walden not yet realized that his good looks and billion dollars are a hit with the ladies?
Over at Chez Walden, Alan was trying to pay his bills with a game of credit card roulette called "seven card screwed." And from the looks of things, yes -- Alan was totally screwed. "I hate to do it, but I could ask Walden for a short-term loan," he said. Berta was rightfully aghast, and temporarily dropped her eternal smartass routine to provide some real insight. "Don't you have any pride at all?" she wondered. "Why do you think he's letting you stay here? Because he likes having at least one person in his life that doesn't want anything from him." Besides free room and board, I guess.
NEXT: Down here. At the pawn shop.