'Top Chef' recap: Dinosaurus Wrecks

This week on Top Chef All-Stars, the contestants spent the night at the Museum of Natural History! The wall-less prison/orphanage sleeping arrangement was really tough on some of them, particularly Stephen the sommelier. "I live in a loft, downtown Manhattan. Very comfortable," he bragged, seemingly in an effort to make me feel bad about my broke-ass Brooklyn hovel. Whatever, Stephen! Time to hang your fresh-pressed tie collection out on a primate's thinking rock and take a very uncomfortable nap.

The Quickfire Challenge was proudly presented by teenage heartthrob The One With the Straight Hair, a.k.a. Joe Jonas of Jonas Brothers. "You know, they're rock stars," said Spike. Don't you know who Joe Jonas is? "I had no idea who Joe Jonas was," said Angry Dale. "I thought he might be a pastry chef." Ooh, he should be. I'm pretty sure Antonia would have done something she'd later regret if the mighty Joe Jonas revealed he had recently mastered the classic puff.

Challenge: Make a midnight snack for children who would be spending the night at the museum. "You have 30 seconds!" Joe Jonas said. Agggghhhh! He was just teasing. Joe Jonas is always joking around. Anyway, the challenge was a great excuse for the chefs to use tons and tons of sugar. "Basically I'm making crack for small children," bragged Happy Dale about his Sweet Tarts nuggets. Also notable: Richard revealed he'd been a "husky kid" who ate cereal with heavy cream ("that's delicious," in case you were wondering), and Casey made chocolate and bacon lasagna. "I just wanted to throw up when I heard that," said Mike. I had a slightly different reaction in that I wanted desperately to eat an entire pan.

Snack lover Joe Jonas chose Spike's potato and carrot chips with marshmallow dip and Tiffani's chocolate MoonPie/Rice Krispie Treat/Sno Ball concoction as his favorites. So random! Hey, Joe Jonas likes what he likes. It was clearly a ploy to set up a Salty vs. Sweet throwdown for later that night at the museum sleepover. The kids would determine the winner, and the teams Spike and Tiffani picked would end up working together for the Elimination Challenge as well. No one wanted Fabio, so he joined Spike's team just to mess with his head. (Specifically, he said "I want a piece of Spike." Make of that what you will. They do kiiiiiiind of look alike, and Fabio loves himself, so...this sentence is over.)

Shockingly, the kids preferred chocolate over carrots, so Team Tiffani, or what Happy Dale called "the Spice Girls and their bodyguard" were the winners. Team Spike, or "all the cool guys and their babysitter Carla," hung their heads in shame. Angry Dale and Impossibly Smug Jamie won the coveted There's No 'I' In 'Team' awards for each of their groups. Showdown! Jamie ("It kind of sucks; we have to help someone else. I don't care...") vs. Dale ("It's like trying to make chicken soup with chicken s---. It isn't gonna work.") Whose willful selfishness deserved first prize? I gotta go with Dale, if only because he used more vivid imagery...and wasn't about to cut off his own finger.

Suddenly big, bad Tom Colicchio lumbered through the exhibit's doors, brushing aside children with his meaty paws and scattering dinosaur bones in his wake. "Your Elimination Challenge starts now," he announced, much to the dismay of everyone who wanted to get drunk and fall asleep.

NEXT: Team Brontosaurus roams the halls; Gail finds artistic beauty in bananas

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