'Top Chef' season finale recap: And Then There Were Three

And speaking of the judges, let's take a look at our crop this week. Hiding beneath masks that were about as deceptive as Clark Kent's eyeglasses were Padma, Tom, guest judge Emeril, and...(drumroll, please)...Gail! I tell ya, I was almost — almost — as excited with theFood & Wine staffer's return as Carla, who shouted ''Girl, love you!'' I don't think I could have taken one more episode of Sir Puns-a-Lot, who likely would have pulled out some gag-worthy line like, ''Where's Joe Francis? Because theseare grits gone wild!''

Let the party begin. The guests began arriving and heading to our chefs tables in droves, but not before Fabio spouted out his quote of the week: ''Everybody there wear a mask, which kind of reminds me of an old porno movie.'' And I'm guessing some of the female guests were hoping it would turn into just that with the amount of beads they layered over Dr. Jeff's neck. (But come on, people. He is not a sex object.) But back to the food. Some of our chefs' dishes were hits: The judges and guests loved Dr. Jeff's mojito and flavorful oyster dish; Hosea's traditional gumbo; and Carla's expertly cooked oyster and beignet (now do you believe that love-infused food equals goodness, Tom?). Team Euro didn't quite fare as well. The judges knocked Fabio for the sauce in his pasta dish, which could have used some heat, and his bell pepper martini, which was too sweet. And Mr. Cocky himself also managed to land in the bottom two, since his gumbo wasn't flavorful enough, and his beignet not hot enough. His response: ''I don't stress anymore. I'm 36-years-old. If it works out, it works out. If not...fine.''

The judges were taken aback by Stefan's response, but they had to first decide a winner before deciding if Stefan's cockiness was enough to send him home. And boy, did Emeril milk his announcement of the winner. I nearly expected him to tack on a Ryan Seacrest-ian, ''And you'll find out the winner…after the break!'' Finally, he announced that Carla(!) was the ultimate victor, making her the official dark horse — or tortoise — going into the finale. Of course, Carla's crowning meant Dr. Jeff was sent back to Princeton-Plainsboro for the second time this season. But he wasn't the only one. After Hosea was deemed safe, our judges announced that Fabio would be joining him. And suddenly, Top Chef just got a little less quotable. Farewell. Fabio. I hope you one day open a restaurant with a rich menu full of monkey ass.

TV Watchers, before I ask you what superheroine you'd love to see Fabio dressed up as, I'd like to bid Adieu! Because of a prior commitment, I will not be recapping next week's finale. Instead, I have a treat that's nearly as sweet as a Thomas Sweet Blend-In: Adam Markovitz, of the Top Chef ''Christmas, will be filling in for me. So enjoy, my friends!

So now back to you: What did you think, Top Chef fans? Will you miss Fabio? Is Stefan still a lock for the win, or will Carla's tortoise creep up on him? Are you surprised that our contestants this year are all so nice that Carla can complain when her fellow chefs neglect to help her? How much longer before Carla tires of saying ''Hootie-hoo''?

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