After listening to his mentor L.A. Reid somehow get through the bald-faced lie "I was just thinking that this journey has been really fascinating" with a straight face, Tate Stevens rehashed "Anything Goes" and did an admirable job. No complaints. (Besides "What is the point of this round?" I guess.) This time, the thing Simon liked the most about Tate was that he was "made in America" and "didn't try to do something stupid" -- which is basically Simon's not-so-subtle underhanded way of complimenting Tate for dumbing it down. Demi claimed to still "love" and be "obsessed" with Tate. Honey! Tone it down. There are other ways to say he is a pleasant country artist.
Carly got a day named after her, but Tate got a WATER TOWER! That's way better. This time I fell in love/became obsessed with the way Tate's hometown mayor looked like a cardboard cutout of a hometown mayor.
I was so convinced Tate's enthusiastic boss Dave would hand over the mic and then…..nothing. Silence. Just a prop. But he turned out to be human after all. Two other perks: the fun Steve Zahn figure on the right, and the camera man's awkward zoom-in of Nameless Cheerleader's hemline to close the segment.
Only Ally's San Antonio church rally was shown for Fifth Harmony, because the other four don't have families, friends, or hometowns. Sad. But I did enjoy how Lauren's mom, Clara, was very Maria Shriver with maybe a bit of Lake Bell glamour.
The girls reprised their Lisa Frank Sparklebarf rendition (I say that lovingly) of "Anything Could Happen," this time with a giant flying unicorn to guide them -- along with about 87 backing vocals and prerecorded tracks -- to success! "Magic happens when you guys perform," botted Britney, who'd been understandably hypnotized by the alluring powers of Camilla's oversize pink bow, not to mention all the bubbles. Bubbles! "I really believe they're a group! I believe they met long before any of us met them!" faux-botted L.A., and for a moment I was hopeful for a plot twist wherein we'd suddenly be treated to a SPECIAL INVESTIGATION segment that would reveal Fifth Harmony had been living together in some top-secret 5H Clubhouse since 2009.
"Something special, I believe, would happen if you won this competition," Simon predicted -- foreshadowing the half-grin/dramatic eye roll combo meal he plans to fiercely serve us up tonight if his girl group pulls off the victory.
NEXT: How do I ever, ever survive this terrible Leann Rimes performance?