The X Factor recap: Full House

There's room for everyone -- decent singers, Gene Simmons' daughter, a bleating China doll, and all of Britney's hats
Ep. 05 | Aired Sep 26, 2012

SINGULAR LADY Dinah Jane Hansen took on Beyoncé.

FOX

"Britney would like a straw hat." Thank God the producers didn't keep running with the "let's have Britney Spears torment the judges' assistant for no reason" gag. Poor Wade! I'm pretty sure the straw hat and the tiara were just decoys for what those segments were really about: hammering it into our heads that Pepsi (another of Britney's fake demands) is absolutely delicious when it is ice cold.

What's going on with these giant "can cups," by the way? I'm more fascinated by them than any contestant so far. Sometimes I think I detect an ultra-thin layer of plastic or glass surrounding the entire cup -- so there's no reason the Pepsi shouldn't be chilled -- frosty, even -- to Britney's specifications. Yo, X Factor. I'm still watching you. Are you gonna send me a Pepsi can cup or what? #pepsi

We saw a steady stream of losers tonight, including a man with spikes growing out of his head, a 52-year-old Chinese woman dressed as a baby doll nurse/sailor, and a really creepy couple who were obsessed with their love for each other because they have absolutely nothing else going on in their lives.

BRITNEY'S BOOBS ARE NOT IMPRESSED.

Here's who is going through to bootcamp:

Dinah Jane Hansen: Damn, girl! Once this 15-year-old got beyond(cé) those terribly unnerving low verses in Beyoncé's "If I Were a Boy," she stunned the crowd with a vocal so powerful that Demi Lovato's "Oh my God" had to be subtitled. Easily my favorite contestant of the night. I can't believe she's only 15 -- and neither could the judges since she was wearing a blazer. Like L.A. Reid said, Dinah Jane (LOVE the name) didn't copy B and she made the song her own. I liked the twangy effect she put on "boyeeeee" and the lilt she tossed onto the end of "understand." I wonder if the show will pony up for free travel so that all 23 people who live in Dinah's house can sit (separately -- they'll need their much-deserved space) in the audience.

Arin Ray: Kudos to the member of last season's InTENsity for writing and performing an original song, "Count On Me," but I wasn't bowled over by his voice at all. He's an attractive 16-year-old who figured out how to distinguish himself by wearing bowties and suspenders, and everyone likes a comeback. But I can't get excited about that audition, no matter how many screamin' teens the cameras caught over, and over, and over, and over.

NEXT: Hey, want to get an arm signed by a boy who can sing/dipped his head in bleach?


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