Two episodes in and this show might as well be retitled The Many Potential Stalkers of Britney Spears. Last night we met her tragic former duet partner Don Philip; tonight a 20-year-old New Hampshire cashier named Patrick Ford came, dressed as Waldo, with a bucket of red roses and a healthy obsession with the pop princess. He wasn't even that creepy -- trust me, I've been watching reality TV auditions for CENTURIES -- but Britney seemed disgusted and confused that someone could be that big a fan of hers.
I don't want to dwell on this (though the episode, in which barely anything happened, certainly did), but couldn't she have at least said "Thank you" or "That's very sweet" or "It's nice to meet you" or "Get it get it, get it get it (WHOOOA)"? Everything about this segment was so uncomfortable. Here is the least pained of Britney's many choice facial expressions:
I hope Patrick finds this recap so he can make that his wallpaper…..in the second bedroom he has converted into a shrine for her.
Oh well. "The only word she said was no," Patrick complained. But some people never even get to lock eyes with Britney as she shifts nervously, wriggles in terror, and pretends she is unaware of her place in this weird little world. He should consider himself lucky. His life may be ruined, but we all had to watch and listen to his grotesque and delusional rendition of "Circus." I think we're even.
Turns out Patrick auditioned for American Idol in 2010 with "Womanizer." Ugh.
The majority of the show was trash. Just heaps of garbage strewn across the screen like some of the shady candy Demi Lovato dribbled from her mouth into Simon Cowell's cupped hand. (Please tell me that was your favorite part of the episode too.) I was pretty excited about last night's premiere, but come on, this installment was terrible! Stalker Waldo, a bunch of annoyingly attractive loons, and three good singers made the cut. Let's talk about them.
But first, please enjoy this "X FACTOR DEMON" screencap sent to me by reader Jordan.
I say we just blame her for the entire episode, take a deep breath, and try to move on.
NEXT: L.A. Reid is feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelin' good