The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: The Beverly Wilshire Hotel of Lies

Phaedra threatens spousal murder and Kenya continues to plague the Atlanta real estate scene
Ep. 04 | Aired Nov 24, 2013

HAT WRACKED Porsha contemplates the disillusionment of her marriage in her Fedora of Sadness.

Bravo

Here’s the thing about The Real Housewives of Atlanta: you can’t have the good without the bad. I can’t get Phaedra slurring out honey-coated insults without Apollo lying through his teeth. And I can’t get Nene stomping around Atlanta trying to get her real estate license without Kenya talking about her sex acrobatics. But, as another wise show once told me, “you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have [RHOA Textgate 2013].”

Kenya has arrived at one of those specialized studios where you learn how to do things like aerial ribbon twirling that will last about one year before it forces someone into bankruptcy. Apparently looking for a place to live after her police escort from her last home has been rather stressful, so Kenya needs to get some exercise. I also had to look for a new place to live about a month ago, but I felt no such inclination to twirl around in the air, spread-eagle in my Lululemons. In her confessional Kenya says, “I’m no stranger to having my legs up in the air upside down, but I digress,” because in addition to being a wonderful storyteller, Kenya is also a master class in subtlety.

But Kenya isn’t just at Acrobatix “R” Us to take twirling to new heights. No, she’s there because the producers told her another cast member was finally willing to speak to her. Kandi arrives to say she can’t ribbon twirl because she “twisted her ankle the other day,” which is exactly what I say when my friends ask me to do ridiculous things like “skydive” or “go for a jog.” Kandi is just there to chat and Kenya looks terrified of the prospect of talking to a completely reasonable and level-headed human being. When Kandi asks about the Text Plague of Apollo, Kenya’s eyes immediately disengage themselves from their sockets and her voice rises to mid-Porsha-levels, so you know this should be a calm and rational endeavor.

Kenya says she has nothing to hide, so she gets out her phone to show Kandi the messages she exchanged with Apollo. It’s a good thing technology is still in the phase where it can’t be tampered with or easily edited. Kenya goes on to read the entire exchange, altering her voice for her messages and Apollo’s and it’s like the worst reader’s theater performance you’ve ever seen got hit with a horse tranquilizer and then sucked in eight balloon’s worth of helium. But it’s still more enjoyable than Kenya going off the cuff. Because when you ask Kenya a simple question like, “Had you seen Apollo at any point between last season and when he sent you these messages?” she will respond by saying, “No, not that I recall” and blinking 18 times in rapid succession.

NEXT: Checking in on Porsha Stewart’s maybe honest but definitely sad trip to self-discovery


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