The Bachelorette season premiere recap: Eyes Wide Shut

Ashley meets drunks, freaks, and more nearly indistinguishable white guys -- and gives far too many the benefit of the doubt
Ep. 01 | Aired May 23, 2011

FACE OFF: "Omigod, I totally gesticulate wildly when I'm embarrassing myself on TV, too!"

Into this miasma of pheromones, tension, and rebreathed white wine molecules walks Harrison, who drops off the first impression rose and then makes a hasty retreat. Seeing this, Ben C. manages to interrupt Ashley's time with Blake by spelling out a message to her on a series of cue cards. "I guess our time's up," sighs Blake. Oh, dude -- please don't become a statistic. Once he has Ashley on the couch, Ben reveals that the secret to his French fluency comes from his love of travel and French father. Boring! OK, pal, in an effort to make you more interesting (and to distinguish you from the other Ben) I'm hereby dub you… Oui Man! Because she's such a nice lady, Ashley leaves her cheerful one-on-one with William -- who does a crap Sean Connery impression, but his Shaggy is fantastic -- to go talk to Tim, who is too inebriated to speak… or cameras caught him right as he was having a stroke. "I feel bad for the guy," says the ever-forgiving Ashley. "I can identify with wasted opportunities." (Pun intended? I'm guessing no.)

But before Tim can beat Jeff the Masked Man to a bloody pulp, he passes out on one of the wicker couches. Team Bachelor sends Ashley to rouse him from his boozy slumber, but she's too tiny to move his beer-soaked body. With the help of a handful of her suitors, Ashley escorts the liquor salesman to the driveway, where a Reject Drunk Tank on Wheels is waiting. Bye, Tim! Be sure to take two aspirin with a full glass of water before you go to bed.

This turn of events pleases Jeff, who peers over the balcony as Phantom of the Opera-style organ music booms on the soundtrack. (Nice touch, Team Bachelor.) He somehow manages to convince Ashley during their one-on-one time that his mask is not just "a cheesy gimmick," so if we're lucky she'll give him a rose and we'll get to see just how long Jeff can keep his face "out of the equation." Soon after, JP bonds with Ashley over, of all things, the fact that his construction boss gave him the disparaging nickname "cupcake" after he offered to bring some into the office one day. (Did I mention the gay vibe?) Anyhoo, Ashley can totally relate: "I always say that the man that I'm going to marry is going to call me cupcake." Looks like a match made in disastrous first marriage heaven!

NEXT: Ten men get metaphorically castrated.

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