The Bachelorette season premiere recap: Slumber Party

Desiree's first night as Bachelorette proceeds at a rather sleepy, drama-free pace -- until one suitor's Fantasy Suite fixation gets him in trouble
Ep. 01 | Aired May 27, 2013

SMILE, WHAT'S THE USE OF CRYING? Desiree grins and bears it through a long night.

ABC

Naturally, Ben's victory sends the rest of the guys into "panic mode," Zak included. "I need to let her know I am 100 percent serious about this," he tells Team Bachelorette while standing shirtless in a candlelit hallway. Naturally, he chooses to demonstrate said seriousness by stripping down to his briefs and jumping in the pool. ("Hashtag shrinkage!" yells Kasey, making what is probably his 47th "hashtag" joke of the night.) Unfortunately for Zak, his "splash" is short-lived, and the crowd quickly disperses back inside. "Thank you for that," Des calls to him over her shoulder as another suitor leads her away. Eventually though, Des gives Zak an afterthought rose -- either because she knew Team Bachelorette was going to make her keep him anyway, or because ever since she was a little girl she's dreamed of marrying a man who could grate cheese on his midsection. Who can say?

Bryden earns a bud as well after telling Des about the boy he befriended during his deployment in Iraq, though she seems far more enamored of Juan Pablo (who? Juan), who she calls "a dream of a man." Still, he walks away from their soccer game roseless, while Drew gets a boutonniere even after Des (jokingly) accuses him of checking out her rack. After waiting all night for one-on-one time, Larry squanders it, first by apologizing repeatedly for jeopardizing Des' dress with his poorly-executed dip, and then by nearly nodding off during their chat.

In Lar's defense, he's not the only sounding slurry and somnambulant as the evening wears on (and on and on). "I am the kind of guy who does bold things," mumbles Jonathan with a heavy-lidded gaze. "I just want to get her and me alone, and then I'm going to try and kis Desiree...on the mouth." So he prepares a Fantasy Suite/kill room with candles and throw pillows, and then pounds out a few push-ups – presumably to make sure he looks as ripped as possible when the Bachelorette tears his clothes off in a frenzy of passion. Instead, though, Des rebuffs Jonathan's second invitation and can barely bring herself to sit next to him for 90 seconds. The rejection only serves to make Johnny angry. "My mom says I'm good looking," he complains to Team Bachelorette. "My love tank has not been depleted for years... We're looking at, like, a very large love tank."

You know the problem with a large love tank? When you fill it with booze and exhaustion, it'll drive you straight across the border to Crazytown. Jonathan pulls Desiree aside yet again, and this time tries to drag her into the improvised Fantasy Suite -- but finally, the Bachelorette has had enough. "You're making me feel very uncomfortable," she tells him. "Actually, I don't even want to wait for the rose ceremony. I'm going to go ahead and ask you to leave." Here's hoping that Reject Van knows the way to the nearest psychiatric hospital.

NEXT: The first cut is the deepest

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