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SMILE, WHAT'S THE USE OF CRYING? Desiree grins and bears it through a long night.
Robert, 30: Claims to have invented sign spinning, which does not seem like something that would really need to be "invented," but what do I know? Likes to surf and skateboard with his one-eyed boxer.
Mike, 27: A dental student who has the good sense to realize that he'd be "at least 30 percent more attractive" if he had kept the British accent he had during his childhood in London.
Brandon, 26: Sad backstory number two: Dad split, mom had "addiction" issues. Today, he's a "positive" guy who loves wakeboarding and fresh air.
Well, Team Bachelorette must subscribe to the theory that eight is enough, because just like that we're done with the bachelor bios. The rest of you losers are just gonna have to meet America when you step out of the limo, I guess. The first dude up is Drew -- who elicits an approving "Mmm-mmm!" from the Bachelorette -- and next is Brooks, a 28-year-old with shaggy dark hair and sharp-looking teeth. Maybe he's a werewolf. A guy named Brad follows; he asks Des to pull on his wishbone, and she obliges. Michael the 33-year-old federal prosecutor also pays homage to Desiree's wishing well ice-breaker with Sean by fishing around in the dirty well water for her original penny so she can have a "do-over." Alas all he gets for his trouble are wet hands, and Des must make her second wish with an imposter penny.
Kasey the advertising exec/cyber-stalker is next, and he informs Des that his Googling efforts have unearthed several "amazing hashtags" about her, but none are as fitting as the ones he's created himself: #theperfectbachelorette, #marriagematerial, and #letthejourneybegin. And here's one for you, pal: #140charactersofHellNo. Will comes bounding out of the limo with his high-five hand aloft, while Mikey T. assures Desiree that he's an older brother too and so he understands why her brother was such an a-hole to Sean during the hometown date. Then Jonathan glides out of the limo and murmurs, "I brought you somethin'.'" He hands her an envelope which -- I think we all know where this is going -- contains an invitation. "Should you choose to forgo the remaining men, you may choose to proceed with Jonathan directly to the Fantasy Suite," Des says, reading the card aloud. And she HATES it. "I'm not that kind of girl," she retorts, her pageant smile tightening around the edges. You know, that was just a step or two away from being a not-terrible idea: If Jonathan had only cut the Fantasy Suite reference and invited Des to ditch the other dudes for a drink and a one-on-one chat, or something, he could have come across as clever rather than creepy. (#itputsthelotioninthebasket)
Speaking of bad ideas, Zak's here, and he's topless. "I know you had a lot invested in Sean, and I know he had great abs," the caramel-colored suitor tells Desiree, as she struggles to hide a wince. "So I have to ask you... Will you accept these abs?" Good news, Zak: Next to Jonathan's rude Fantasy Suite faux pas, your limo gag seems almost... quaint. Now go inside and increase the homoerotic tension of the room already!
NEXT: Brody for Bachelor in 2033! (Not really)