The Bachelorette recap: Battle of the Exes

The men take a break fighting for Des' heart in order to fight amongst themselves in this shouty edition of The Men Tell All
Ep. 09 | Aired Jul 22, 2013

BRO-DOWN Mikey gets in Kasey's face while Juan Pablo tries to avoid getting punched.

ABC

Desiree is just getting warmed up, James -- so you'd better not seriously be sitting there claiming that she was the one who let the guys impugn his character. Meathead, please. "Watching back, though, on those steps, I was being manipulated by you 100 percent," Des snaps at James. "You were making me feel bad for trusting [the guys]!" James refuses to relent his position that it was okay for him to imagine his life after the show, and Des' response is succinct but says it all: "Ughh."

Moving on, at long last Harrison gets to the most important question of the evening: "What were you thinking when you said goodbye to Juan Pablo?" Oh who gives a crap about her answer Juan Pablo is talking so Des shut your damn piehole! "You know, you've got stronger feelings for the other guys and I understand that," he says. "The only question I have is why I never got a one-on-one date... It would have been great." Hell yes it would have. Des has no real excuse ("I still think he's muy caliente"), so let's just cue the estrogen-fueled squeals from the audience and leave it at that.

When it comes to clarifying why she gave Zak the boot, though, Des almost sounds like she's about to cry. "You would sometimes hide behind your smile -- just like Sean said to me," she tells Zak. "I wasn't sure if maybe I'd be the one that you would have a hard a day and want to come home and talk to about that, because everything was constantly positive." It seems this explanation really seems to resonate with Zak, so maybe it means he can finally move on from... Oh crap. What is happening right now? Zak, put the guitar down! You don't have to do this, buddy! Please, Zak, these are good people – don't put them through this again! Oh God, I can't watch. Someone let me know when it's over.

We're clear? Great. Blooper time! A few questions: Were the falling lights really an "accident" or was Team Bachelorette hoping to liven up this season by turning Des' date with Bryden into a snuff film? And seriously, they had to make Des and Bryden use those jank port-a-potties on their date, too? Is there anything cuter than Juan Pablo trying to say "yodeler"? Of course, the best moment of the gag reel is Harrison's one-liner after repeatedly failing to pronounce Hotel Vier Jahreszeiten Kempinski: "How about we stay at a Marriott next time?" Zing!!

With that, it's time for a preview of "the most emotionally intense Bachelorette finale in the show's history." Stop rolling your eyes, blonde lady in the audience! Harrison "really, really" means it this time. Why is Desiree sobbing through the two-part finale? Who is she talking to when she says, "I don't know if I can be 100 percent for you"? And why are those women in the audience acting so shocked by this preview? Are they new to this show?

Well, it really is all over but the crying, isn’t it rose lovers? On that bummer note, let me know what you thought about tonight's Tell All. Was it really necessary to invite all the guys when only about 6 of them spoke? Is Zak angling for a record deal? And what other Juan Pablo footage is Team Bachelorette holding hostage? Post your thoughts below! Be sure to check out Chris Harrison's blog over on PopWatch before you leave. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go brush up on my Spanish.

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