Juan Pablo reiterates that the most important thing to him is finding a mate who loves his daughter, but Harrison wants to dig deeper into the Soccer Stud's soul. "There has to be more to this man of mystery," he says. "What do we not know Juan Pablo?" Well, for one thing he spends every weekend with his daughter, so if you're hoping to get any alone time with him, ladies, you're gonna have to take a few days off. (Or be unemployed.) He also let 4-year-old Camila watch the season premiere since there was "no kissing" or anything bleachable like that. (Camila's takeaway? Des' terrible "Wan PAHblow" accent.) Finally, Juan Pablo reveals that he really wants "to settle down and have a wife and have two more kids," and that his ideal marriage involves waking up, eating breakfast, and going to the movies. I think you know what I'm going to say next, rose lovers: JUAN PABLO FOR THE BACHELOR!
From the sublime to the depressed: Zak's up next. He still seems pretty bummed about getting dumped by Des, though he does own up to "coming on a little strong" with the ring and the song and all of that. Perhaps that's because for six months of every year Zak is marooned on an oil rig ("not a lot of girls out there," he explains) and the other six months he's trying to find "creative ways" to meet people since most of his friends are already married. Yeah, that does sound like a lonely life, pal. Sorry to hear it. As for that "secret message" Zak wrote in invisible in the journal he gave Des? It's a poem (why am I even surprised at this point?), and yes, Harrison, you may share it with the group: "Love is it/ The only reason to open your home to a stranger/ The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom/ No risk is too great/ No apprehension justifiable/ All hope is rooted in it/ Because love is our only hope for happiness/ And I am happy to say this is love."
Wait, so had Zak already written that message when he gave Des the book in WEEK TWO? Dude, that's not "coming on a little strong" weird -- that's "building a shrine to you in my basement" weird. Back away from the Bachelorette and go enlist some friends to write you a match.com profile. Everything is going to be all right.
Des' segment begins calmly enough, with the Bachelorette accepting Jonathan's apology for his Fantasy Suite stunt, but she's obviously on the defensive when Harrison asks her about Ben – so much so that she's even constructed an alternate version of how she felt about Ben when he was on the show. "As I got to talk to [Ben] more and more, things started becoming very insincere," explains Desiree, who for some reason never confessed these concerns earlier. "I couldn't gauge emotion in his eyes when he was talking about things." And that, dear rose lovers, is why she sent Ben home – not because all the guys repeatedly told her the guy was a d-bag. She knew he was "insincere" all along. "I think that came out when you were sent home, and in the limo," the Bachelorette tells Ben. "The first thing that came into your mind is, like, 'Hey Hollywood!'... It was very arrogant." Ding! The sound you just heard is the timer running out on Ben's 15 minutes -- better haul your behind back to Texas, sir.
NEXT: "I was being manipulated by you 100 percent"