The Bachelorette recap: Battle of the Exes

The men take a break fighting for Des' heart in order to fight amongst themselves in this shouty edition of The Men Tell All
Ep. 09 | Aired Jul 22, 2013

BRO-DOWN Mikey gets in Kasey's face while Juan Pablo tries to avoid getting punched.

ABC

But does James owe Mikey an apology? Mikey doesn't think so. He fully admits to suggesting to James that they could "have a good time together" in Chicago should Des not pick either of them as her husband, but he pretends not to remember whether he or James brought up the idea of James being the next Bachelor. People need to have "a plan B in life," argues Mikey, which gives Kasey a perfect opening. "You're going to look at your wife on her wedding day and say, 'Hey honey if this doesn't work out, I've got this girl'?" asks Kasey as the crowd predictably cheers. "That's what you're saying!" Soon enough, Mikey has leaped from his seat and seems ready to pound Captain Hashtag's head. "I'm a player on Us Weekly all of a sudden because you chose to talk about me after I was gone!" Mikey bellows, but Kasey keeps harping, harping, harping on both of them and their lack of "integrity" and James' (hopefully inaccurate) declaration that Michael [bleeeeeeeeped] him off camera. ("I was mad!" replies James sheepishly.)

OMG everyone stop talking this NANOSECOND Juan Pablo's lips are moving!!! "Listen, I'm going to be honest with you, I like James – but my daughter or my sister I would not want to date James right now. If he becomes a good James, I'm happy with it. But right now, no my daughter, no my sister," concludes JP, wagging his finger at the orange doofus. Clearly Bachelor Nation feels the same way; when Harrison asks the crowd if they'd trust James to be the next Bachelor, a low rumble of "Noooooooooos" echoes throughout the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, and one woman makes such an emphatic thumbs down gesture she practically dislocates her elbow.

Okay, what the eff is a bleachable moment? Given that you generally apply bleach to things that are stained or soiled, wouldn't you think a "bleachable moment" would be something, like, dirty? Apparently, though, the good folks at Clorox have now upgraded their formula to work not just on dirt and stains, but also the intangible residue of awkwardness! So pour yourself a tall glass of sodium hypochlorite/chloride/carbonate/hydroxide/ polyacrylate, Jonathan -- because fans have voted your ill-fated Fantasy Suite limo exit as the season's most bleachable moment.

OMG you guys for the love of all that's holy if anyone even BREATHES during Juan Pablo's hot seat interview my rage will scorch you with the heat of 1,000 suns!!! "In the history of this show, no guy has made a greater impact with less screen time than our soccer playing single dad," says Harrison by way of introduction. "He's the fan favorite we barely got to know, so let's get to know him now!" And by "getting to know him," he means "finally showing you footage of Juan Pablo strutting around in a Speedo that we so egregiously left out of the Atlantic City episode." (About damn time, Team Bachelorette.) In fact, the majority of the "highlight reel" consists of footage we never got to see, like El Guapo video-chatting with his daughter Camila and raving about fatherhood to Desiree in the ice castle. By the end of the package, there are literally women wiping away tears as they re-watch the moment Desiree sent Juan Pablo home.

NEXT: Zak admits to "coming on a little strong"

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