Poor Jonathan tries to redeem himself by thanking the audience for not booing him, but Michael "The Emasculator" Garofalo destroys that tiny victory with a deadpan diss: "It's because no one remembered you." (It's funny because it's true.) The conversation quickly turns to Brian; even though the "lying, cheating, deceitful pig" was too wussy to show up for the taping, the guys have no trouble ripping him apart. "In my opinion, he's a coward," says Mikey, while Kasey gripes that Brian's big confrontation with Stephanie ruined his one-on-one date with Des. OMG everyone SHUT UP Juan Pablo is talking!!! "To me, it's not a competition. When I heard Ben says, 'I'm not here to make friends – I'm here for Des,' those were the two things on Ben that got me like, 'Whoa, we just got here.' We're getting to know 24 people, you've got to get along with them, and then she is the one deciding who she's going to pick. If she doesn't like me, she is just not going to like me." Yes and that is HER LOSS, Señor Sex on a Stick.
Oh, wait, so did they actually not even invite Diogo? They just got some PA to dress up in a rented suit of armor? Damn, Team Bachelorette, that's cold.
Hot seat time! Naturally Ben is up first. He glowers through the highlight reel of his low moments on the show, and then plasters on a feces-eating grin while "explaining" his Reject Limo meltdown. "I had just been battered for eight hours, and not just about small things -- huge things in my life," he tells Harrison. "The only thing I regret about the show is some of the words I said in that limo." OMG nobody make a mother-flipping sound Juan Pablo would like to interject!!! "To me, as soon as we sat on the couch the first day and I just heard, 'I'm not here to make friends,' I was like, 'That's it, I know this guy. He's gonna be trouble.'" Then things start to get really nasty when some guy in the back (maybe Dan?) declares that Brody's mom says Ben "never really helped" raise the boy. According to Dan, Ben's ex approached him in Vegas and downloaded a lot of unflattering information, including the claim that Ben was cheating on some other girlfriend when he got Brody's mom pregnant.
Seeing that the conversation is veering dangerously close to potential-slander territory, Harrison grabs the reins back from Dan and asks the guys to talk about the good fathers in the house. Zak uses the opportunity to give props to Juan Pablo for thinking about "nothing else" but his daughter: "He brought her up in every conversation." (And those t-shirt ladies LOVE IT.) As for Ben, he insists he's a "very good father" to Brody -- though he does admit that his time in Casa Bachelorette taught him some "ways to improve myself." (Step 1: Go back in time and don't put your kid on TV.)
Our next float in the Jackass Parade is James, who's looking especially orange tonight. He kicks things off by recounting his version of what happened during that infamous van ride -- essentially, he claims Mikey suggested that James might be the next Bachelor and that he and James should hang out on his boat with "successful" women. "I felt like my integrity was stripped and my character was stripped from me with that conversations," grouses James, as women in the audience pantomime disgust. "I think there's a few guys that owe me an apology."
NEXT: Seriously WTF is a "bleachable moment"?