The Bachelorette recap: Island of Misfit Boys

Madeira is host to at least two premature proclamations of love as the final five guys jostle to get a hometown date with Desiree
Ep. 07 | Aired Jul 8, 2013

THE LOTION OF THE OCEAN Chris gets handsy with Desiree's shoulder blades during their one-on-one date.


Okay, Michael – top that! The prosecutor finally gets his one-on-one date with the Bachelorette, who meets him in town for a little exploring and necklace shopping. After a while, Michael and Des -- simile alert! -- take a high-speed trip down the hill in a toboggan steered by two straw-hatted badasses. "Love is a wild ride," says Michael, right on cue. Over dinner talk turns to family, as Michael explains that his strained (and now non-existent) relationship with his biological dad taught him the importance of being a good father. "I don't want my tombstone one day to read, 'World's Greatest Prosecutor'... I want it to read, 'Loving Husband and Father.'" Though Michael's last serious relationship ended when he discovered that his girlfriend was skiing the K-12 with some Roy Stalin-type on a mountain in Vail, he's now Ready to Love Again.TM "I just have this feeling when I'm around you... it gives me hope," he tells Des. But is he ready to watch some fierce señorita belt out love songs in Portuguese in the town square? Why yes, yes he is.

Onward and upward to the zero-stakes two-on-one date. Sure, both Zak and Chris say the date rose is all-important, the truth is it means nothing, since no one will suffer the humiliation of being dumped mid-dinner. Seriously, Team Bachelorette, what's the point? Well for Des the point of today's chosen activity, go-karting, is to find out whether Drew can "let loose" and if Zak can fight for her attention in a group setting. Gentlemen, start your tiny engines! Des has a "surprise" for the winner. Zak takes a commanding lead early on and easily gets the W. His surprise? Salami, crackers, and cheese in the middle of the racetrack! Oh, and the first one-on-one time with Desiree.

Zak uses this time... I won't say wisely, but I guess creatively, by taking Des for a walk down memory lane via brightly-colored drawings: His bare torso from night one, the red roofs of Madeira, a pile of rocks in Munich near where he and Desiree kissed. She rewards Zak with a smooch, and then skips off arm-in-arm with Drew. Their chat takes place on a pile of tires, as Drew assures Desiree that even though he has difficulty letting people in, he's ready to open the door to his heart, or whatever. "I've never had this feeling with anyone," he tells the Bachelorette, albeit without making eye contact. "It's like you've known me my entire life... I've fallen in love with you." Uh-oh, Zak, better step it up -- Malibu Ken is movin' in on your lady, and he just got the date rose!

Which brings us to the rose ceremony. "The mood in the house is sheer panic," says Chris as he frantically stuffs Top-Siders and giant yellow sunglasses into his suitcase. "Everyone's packing, everyone's nerves are through the roof." Unfortunately, Harrison will only be offering dulcet-toned comfort to the Bachelorette, who doesn't seem that stressed out about the upcoming cut to her guy roster. Perhaps that's because with only a few weeks to go, she's already at the "finish line" with one of the men: Brooks. Harrison can hardly believe his ears. "That's amazing!" he cries. "I'm so happy for you!" Meanwhile, Mike Fleiss is pulling his hair out in the control room as Team Bachelorette frantically tries to dig up an ex-girlfriend to confront Brooks during his hometown date. Doesn't Desiree know that she's not allowed to admit to feeling "love" -- using code words or otherwise -- until the finale?

 NEXT: The final four revealed

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