The Bachelorette recap: Island of Misfit Boys

Madeira is host to at least two premature proclamations of love as the final five guys jostle to get a hometown date with Desiree
Ep. 07 | Aired Jul 8, 2013

THE LOTION OF THE OCEAN Chris gets handsy with Desiree's shoulder blades during their one-on-one date.


Oh, but she does, Brooks. Earlier in the day the duo had discussed coming up with "adjectives" to describe the feeling between "like" and "love" – the latter is not an adjective, but that would be too much to ask, right? To show her true feelings, Desiree decides adjectives aren't enough, so she gives Brooks verbs: "stepping," "skipping," and "running." (The l-word itself is a noun: "finish line.") And as we all know, one of the first signs of Bachelorette infatuation is the loss of all basic grammar skills. Indeed, Des tells Brooks that her current "adjective" is "going into a run." And that kind of scares the crap out of him. "I'm a little bit behind in my emotional process," he tells Team Bachelorette calmly. "But I still have questions, you know? I haven't introduced a lot of women to my family." Still, he tells Des that he'd "love it" if she came to meet his family. And fireworks in three... two... one! (Des then kindly interprets the scene for the hearing impaired by acting out "fireworks" in sign language.)

The next morning Des arrives at the hotel to pick up her next solo suitor, Chris, who is just jonesing to make it into the final four: "I want to take her home very badly." Michael, Brooks, Zak and Drew watch from the balcony as Chris takes Des' hand and leads her toward a waiting yacht. "I'll break those fingers," jokes Michael, not at all joking. Once on the boat Chris slathers Des with sunscreen while trying not to drool. "The chemistry we have -- it's pretty legit," he explains. "It's hot." They drop anchor on a deserted island, where they spread their blanket in a field of wildflowers and proceed to write a poem together. (Again with the poetry, Chris? Try to mix it up a little bit, pal.) They roll up the paper and pop it in the empty bottle from the kit Chris probably purchased at the hotel gift shop, and then toss their message into the ocean where it will either smash against the rocks or travel around the world and end up in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

At dinner Chris -- clearly a student of The Bachelorette Rules for Earning a Hometown Date, Vol. 9 -- is anxious to tell Des that he loves her. So anxious, in fact, that when Des tells Chris that she'd "love" for him to meet her family, he goes into fidget overdrive and accidentally kicks a side table, and the jolt snuffs out two of the room's countless candles. "I was not expecting to be this nervous," admits a sweaty Chris, who clearly picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. Eventually, though, the poor guy manages to work up the courage to make his big announcement. "I have something else to share with you," he begins, pulling out his notebook. Oh for the love of all that's holy. ANOTHER poem? This one's called "Individually Defined," and it's all feelings and words and emotions and realness and so on and so on and so on, until... "Our hearts are open, and in every kiss/I truly mean that I love you." Say it with me, friends: And she LOVES it.

NEXT: Des crosses the finish line

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