It's not like Desiree is that upset about Bryden's news ("I guess it was a long plane ride, and you had a long time to think"), though she does shed a few tears out of embarrassment, or whatever. "It's so annoying," she sighs to Chris as they enter the brewhaus. But he knows just what to say to make her feel better: "I want you to know, I am here for the long haul." Awwwww. Prost, you crazy kids!
Meanwhile, back at Hotel Kistehoiwad ven Daheatropplwek... Knock knock knock! It's the Checkerboard Table of Doom at the door! The guys have been anxiously awaiting your arrival, Herr Table, because whomever's name is not on the card is sentenced to the dreaded two-on-one date. Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey escape that terrible fate, meaning Michael and Ben will face off at the Awkward Olympics. "This is a nightmare," whines Michael. "Two-on-one with the guy that I find repulsive." But, you know, at least he's keeping it in perspective: "So in this competitive, gladiator-style setting, I need to now go and murder Ben." Okaaay. Take it down a notch sir.
When night falls, Des and Chris get gussied up for a formal dinner in a palace ballroom. Though she seems to have recovered from getting dumped by a different guy mid-date, Des drinks her wine a little faster than normal and starts sounding off about what an emotionally shut-down jerk her last boyfriend was. "He was very unexpressive," she says, her voice slurring just a little bit. "He couldn't say I love you first, he couldn't even compliment [me]... It was hard." The good news for Des is that Chris is "ready to start a family." The bad news for us is, Chris has written yet another poem about how ready he is. ("Girls I used to think were true/all out of mind as I think of you…") And she LOVES it. Like, can barely contain her tears of joy LOVES it. Kisses. Rose. More kisses. Matt White. This is happening. Aaaand scene.
Bundle up, rose lovers, because it's time to climb Zugspitze for the group date. The gondola brings them to top of the mountain, where a Mel Brooks lookalike in lederhosen gives them a special yodeling tutorial. (Psst, Juan Pablo, it's YO-deling, not YAD-eling.) Enough wholesome fun, guys – your head injury awaits! "We see seven sleds lined up pointed down the mountains," explains Kasey, who does not seem concerned that they have not been provided with seven helmets as well. After all, what could possibly go wrong? The gang begins careering down the mountain on their little butt bullets, and pretty soon the casualties begin piling up: First Des "eats it," to use Drew's term, and then he slams into her from behind. [Insert your own dirty joke here.] But an even bigger disaster comes in the form of this simile: "You know, love is like sledding down this hill," marvels Zak. "Day one we all pushed off and we looked down and we said, here we go."
NEXT: "I feel so uncomfortable"