The next day, Harrison arrives with a bad news fake-out: "Tonight's cocktail party has been canceled" -- but only because Des wants all the guys to join her for a "very relaxed, chill pool party." Hooray! Hold up, guys -- you wouldn't be cheering if you knew that Ben has a plan to kidnap Des before she even steps foot in Casa Bachelorette. "Before she even has an opportunity to talk to the other guys, I'm going to see if I can make a little mini-one-on-one date." So Ben and his douche tank top waylay Desiree in the driveway, where he suggests they go for a fifteen-minute car ride in her Bentley before joining the party. While they're off cruising, the rest of the guys mill around the pool wondering aloud where she is and oddly not noticing that Ben is missing. Soon after, the sports car returns and Kasey and Mikey spot Ben kissing Des in the front seat -- much to their chagrin. But when they confront him about his secret rendezvous with the Bachelorette, the worst Kasey can threaten is, "You and I are not going to be friends." It would be scientifically impossible for Ben to care less.
Unfortunately, it seems physically impossible for poor Brandon to stop caring so much about Desiree, even though it's only been, like, six days -- and his intensity is clearly making her uncomfortable. "I am never going to hurt you," Brandon tells Des, his gaze boring into her soul. "To be honest, I am falling in love with you." Oh, honey, it's week three -- don't you know the "I'm falling in love with you" card is not valid until the week before hometowns? This does not bode well for you. (Side note: Why is Des carrying around a pen and index cards at the pool party? Is she collecting recipes from the guys?)
Man, is it rose ceremony time already? Des arrives in a royal blue strapless gown topped with some kind of sequined breastplate, and starts assembling her team for another week: Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Brooks, Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael, Mikey, and (of course) Ben. That means Dan, and more importantly, Brandon, are headed home. The latter does not take it well. "Des, I just feel like you're making a huge -- I just don't understand," says stunned Brandon. At first Des just whispers her explanation -- "You're a great person, just not for me" -- as the rest of the guys mill about in the background. But once Brandon leaves, she follows him outside and tries to make him understand. "You have to have that chemistry -- it's just something I can't explain," she says. "I just know, and I'm so sorry."
Of course, Brandon assumes Des isn't "feelin' it" because he's just not good enough. "Once again, someone left me," he sighs, defeated. "Yeah, way to go, Brandon." Jesus, Team Bachelorette, you'd better hope someone keeps this poor kid away from sharp objects and sleeping pills for the foreseeable future.
On that downer note, rose lovers, what did you think of tonight's "bombshell" episode? Do you believe Brian, Stephanie, or none of the above? Do you think Juan Pablo will ever get a one-on-one date? And why can't Ben be a more interesting villain? Post your thoughts below! Be sure to check out Chris Harrison's blog over on PopWatch when you're done. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to send Brandon a Hang in There kitty poster. He could really use it.