The Bachelorette season premiere recap: Legally Bland

Andi's first night as Rose Queen underwhelms with tame limo exits and a former contestant's lame attempt to crash the party.
Ep. 01 | Aired May 19, 2014

MASTER OF DA GUYS: Andi begins the voir dire process with her pool of potential husbands.

 

Meanwhile, back at base camp, Baritone-Voiced Security Guard -- who, by the way, is named Tyrone and is my new favorite person -- is quietly taunting Chris B. "Yeah, I guess the ol' wife will be happy tonight," he murmurs, gesturing to the bouquet of roses. "No one's ever gotten me flowers before." (That is a damn shame, sir!) By the time Harrison finally informs Andi about the "party-crasher," he can barely contain his glee. "He's literally standing down by craft services with security right now!" he burbles. "He would like to vie for your heart." The Bachelorette, who clearly has no idea who Chris B. is, thinks about it for half a second and makes a simple calculation: lips that touched a series of liquored-up floozies on Bachelor Pad will never touch hers.

With that, Harrison is dispatched to break the bad news to Bukowski, who is predictably reluctant to leave the magical land of cameras and fleeting fame. "The only thing that happens from here is it gets bad," Harrison warns, and eventually Chris hands over the roses and sulks off into the darkness.

So much excitement! I almost forgot to care about who's going to get the First Impression Rose. Will it be Chris, who thinks his job as a farmer is "neat"? Or Marcus, whom Andi thinks is "hot, hot, hot" and "worldly"? Survey says: Suck it, you two! The rose goes to Nick V., he of the 10 siblings and the nearly-silent limo exit. The Bachelorette finds his nerves and paralyzing shyness "cute" and "endearing." You know what? She's kind of right. "I'd say you made my day," says Nick, checking his watch with a grin, "but it's tomorrow morning."

Clink clink clink! Harrison and his Butter Knife of Bad News are here to bring the party to a close. Okay, Andi: wheat, chaff... GO! JJ, Eric (God rest his soul), Marquel, Craig, Tasos, Josh M., Brian, Bradley, Marcus, Andrew, Ron, Carl, Chris, Dylan, Brett, Patrick, Cody (seriously?), and Nick S. join Nick V. in the winner's circle. For those of you playing along at home, that means Brian, Emil, Josh B., Rudie, and the three longhairs (Jason, Mike, and Steven) will need to pack their ties and go. "Everyone in my life was like, 'Oh my gosh, you guys are going to get married and have kids!'" says Rudie, who, as it turns out, can fail. The rejection shakes drunk Unremarkable Blonde out of his stupor long enough to exhibit something resembling a personality: "I'm going to call my parents tomorrow and be like, 'Yeah, that sucked.'"

As for the remaining suitors, cheers to all y'all! Especially you, personal trainer Cody, who apparently makes it far enough to have a one-on-one date with Andi... perhaps even in another country… which is completely puzzling to me… but it's too soon to start judging Andi's decisions, right? Totes LOLZ guys, just kidding -- judge away! And if this season's supertease is any indication, there's going to be plenty of questionable choices made -- just ask the dude hurling over the balcony. (The "balcony cry" is so six seasons ago.) Rose lovers, please start your engines in the comments section now -- and be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to send that security guard some flowers.

 

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