The Bachelorette season premiere recap: Legally Bland

Andi's first night as Rose Queen underwhelms with tame limo exits and a former contestant's lame attempt to crash the party.
Ep. 01 | Aired May 19, 2014

MASTER OF DA GUYS: Andi begins the voir dire process with her pool of potential husbands.

 

Andrew, 30: Brunette, five o'clock shadow. Ruling: Did all these guys hit the same checkered-shirt sale at the mall before date night or what? Anyhow, this guy seems fine. Grade: C+

Mike, 29: Two guys with Tarzan hair? What the hell? And a bartender, Team Bachelorette? Andi's got a law degree, for God's sake. Ruling: I don't get it. Grade: C

Eric, 31: Oh, God, you guys, here he is. And he's giving the Bachelorette some dolls he got from a little girl in Peru. "She told me to give them to my girlfriend," he tells Andi. "But I didn't have one at the time. And maybe this is jumping the gun, but these are for you." Ruling: Guess what, fellow suitors? You were just outplayed by a dead man. Best limo exit of the night. Grade: RIP

Josh M., 29: Dapper "Georgia boy" with dimples, dazzling teeth. Ruling: Did I mention the dimples and dazzling teeth? And though he's listed as a "Former Professional Baseball Player," he does actually have a job. Grade: A-

All right, Andi, the house is yours! Time to engage with that scrumptious scrum of suitors. "My biggest fear coming in was like, is everyone going to be disappointed that it's me?" Andi tells us, echoing the sentiment of absolutely no Bachelor ever in the history of the franchise. Naturally the men are full of confidence, including Josh M., who grabs the Bachelorette first and assures her that she's "the whole package" and yes, he'll eat sushi. "Obviously he's my type," admits Andi. "But there's a reason that I'm single and I'm here. Maybe my type's gonna change."

Cut to: The black guy! In this case, Marquel, who treats Andi to a comically large tray of cookies. "Look to the black-and-white cookie," he tells the Bachelorette with a winning smile. There's that A-game, Marquel! Nice job. Oh man, now it's Eric's turn. He's telling Andi about his "global odyssey." Oh God, he's saying he's not going to finish for about two more years... "or longer." I'm starting to hyperventilate, you guys. Oh no, no, no, no -- now he's talking about the "action-exploration side of things," like "skydiving and base-jumping" and la la la la la la la I'm not listening or thinking about his parachute collapsing oh my god his poor family la la la la la la may he rest in peace...

Mercifully, something really stupid happens before we have to experience too many overwhelming feels. And by "something really stupid" I mean "the arrival of Chris Bukowski" -- aka the sausage king of Chicago, or, as the Bachelor Pad pharmacist likes to call him, "patient zero." Anyhow, he's party-crashed his way into Casa Bachelorette with a bouquet of roses and a sharp suit, hoping to meet Andi. Unfortunately for Chris, the baritone-voiced security guard has no intention of letting him past production's staging area without the express permission of Harrison himself. And no, Bukowski, you can't have the roses back.

The Bachelorette has no idea any of this is going on, of course -- she's too busy putting with Nick S., eating pasta with Unremarkable Blonde Guy, and talking travel with Tasos. Andi's also blissfully unaware that over in the drawing room, Andrew and Patrick seem to be falling in love. "He dresses well, he's very suave," says Andrew of Patrick. "I feel as if Andrew and I are a little bit on a different level than some of the other guys," agrees Patrick.

 

NEXT: "I'd say you made my day, but it's tomorrow morning"

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