The Bachelorette season premiere recap: Legally Bland

Andi's first night as Rose Queen underwhelms with tame limo exits and a former contestant's lame attempt to crash the party.
Ep. 01 | Aired May 19, 2014

MASTER OF DA GUYS: Andi begins the voir dire process with her pool of potential husbands.

 

Cody, 28: Was the limo really broken down? Doubtful, but the ruse gave this personal trainer a chance to show off his brute strength. Ruling: Goddang, this guy's a meathead. Grade: C

Steven, 30: Shaggy-haired "Snowboard Product Developer." (Is that, like, a guy who gets stoned and snowboards a lot?) No suit jacket. Ruling: Nice try, brah, but "y'all" is not the regional-dialect equivalent of "stoked." Grade: C+

Rudie, 31: Fellow attorney with an aggressive smile. Ruling: Nice work with the "fun attorney humor." I mean, he did a little art project in his hotel room! Like, with construction paper and glue and everything. Grade: B+

Carl, 30: Extremely low-key firefighter. Ruling: Was that a paperweight? I mean, I guess it's always nice to arrive at a party with a gift for the host. Grade: B

Jason, 35: Remember when Jax Teller had a man-bob and somehow still looked sexy? Yeah, this doctor isn't so lucky. Ruling: The Dutch Boy paint logo would like its haircut back. Grade: D+

Nick V., 33: Andi really, really likes his polka-dot tie. Ruling: The tie is louder than he is. Grade: C+

Dylan, 26: An accountant who finds being in such close proximity to the Bachelorette slightly terrifying. Ruling: I, too, like my personal space. Grade: B

Patrick, 29: "Another soccer player?" groans Andi, as this slick ad exec taps a pass in her direction. But all is forgiven when he gives the ball -- and by extension, Juan Pablo -- a hard kick into oblivion. Ruling: Clever but civilized jape at JP's expense. Grade: B

Emil, 33: Burly, bearded helicopter pilot with a deep voice and a name whose spelling in no way indicates its pronunciation. Ruling: "Anal, but with an m. Just remember that." No further comment necessary. Grade: C+

Brett, 29: Hairstylist who arrives bearing a lamp and some advice from his mom: "My mother always told me, never greet a lady empty-handed." Ruling: Really, Team Bachelorette -- a guy stealing a lamp from the hotel? That's the best you've got? Andi is a prosecutor, for God's sake -- the options are endless! Do you mean to tell me no one thought to arrive in handcuffs and declare himself a "prisoner of love"? Not one guy decided to show up in a judge's robe to announce that Andi was out of order -- for being criminally sexy? There wasn't a single dude out of the 25 who figured it'd be funny to show up in his "legal briefs"? Come on! Must I think of everything? Grade: F

Craig, 29: This tax accountant swaggers out of the limo and then sprays champagne all over the flagstones. Ruling: Not as masculine as you might expect, given his phallic stunt. Seems a little dim, but sweet. Grade: C+

Ron, 28: Multi-national "Beverage Sales Manager" from Nashville, TN. Ruling: Compared to Craig, the soft-spoken Ron comes across as class personified. Grade: A-

Bradley, 32: Opera singer with a vague resemblance to Billy Burke. Ruling: Nice laugh, charmingly shy and a little klutzy. Grade: A-

Josh B., 29: Unremarkable blonde. Ruling: Unremarkable blonde. Grade: Incomplete

Nick S., 27: Fast-talking, hair-losing professional golfer. Ruling: He seemed annoyed when Andi implied she's not bad at golf. I didn't care for that. Grade: C

Brian, 27: High-school basketball coach with the crooked tie. Ruling: Love the deceptive smoothness of the "Does my tie look straight?" move. Andi's right -- it's "endearing." Grade: B+

 

NEXT: What's with all the Tarzan hair?


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