The Bachelorette recap: French Dissing

The guys enjoy the beautiful city of Marseille by calling each other racist and/or arrogant.
Ep. 05 | Aired Jun 16, 2014

WHAT'S MIME IS YOURS: Andi and JJ dance in awkward silence, just like a real married couple.

Andi's not an idiot (she said so herself!), and she wants to know now why "two of the nicest guys in the house" have called Nick a jerk. "So, you want to talk about it?" she asks him, and when he hems and haws for a millisecond she fires back, "If I were your wife, would you tell me?" Objection! Baiting the witness! Overruled, I guess: "I think Cody was mad at me," Nick confesses. "I think he thought I was disrespecting him." He admits to "mocking" Cody and assures Andi that he apologized and all is well now.

Sure it is, thinks Andi to herself. Is Nick "manipulative," she wonders? Well, the awful free verse poem he's about to read to her sure as f--- is. Nearly every line begins with "When I see you, I see..." and he cycles through "strength," "beauty," "a purpose," before triumphantly concluding with, "When I see you, I see a future." OBJECTION! Andi doesn't know whether to call him a cab or take off her panties. "It got complicated with Nick tonight," she tells Team Bachelorette.

Speaking of complicated, it's finally time for Marquel to confront Andrew. For whatever reason (cough producer interference cough) he chooses to have this discussion in front of the other guys, which of course makes everything way more uncomfortable. Andrew tries a few different responses to the accusation that he referred to Ron and Marquel as "blackies": When feigned surprise and smug amusement fail, he tries smug innocence, before finally settling on smug righteousness. "Whatever you've been told is complete bullsh--," he insists. "I treat each and every relationship with everybody in this house with the equal amount of respect that everybody deserves... I swear to God I never said that."

Does Marquel believe him? My guess would be hell to the no, but rather than pulling a Cody and getting all aggro, he simply speaks one final truth to Andrew -- "I will never stand for any type of talk like that" -- and walks away calmly. The whole thing leaves Andrew so rattled he feels the need to run crying to Andi about how he was "attacked" and how maybe this "competition" isn't right for him. Maybe not, sir, because your potentially hard-of-hearing archenemy JJ just got the date rose. Suck it, Andy!

Welp, one date left, and it's a low-key affair: Brian joins Andi for a private screening of The Hundred-Foot Journey in an abandoned storefront, and then a product placement-y cooking date that just happens to correspond directly to Journey's theme: "Food is memories." Brian, God bless him, wants to be a good sport but the poor guy just completely shuts down once it's time to cook. Rather than just tell Andi he's totally hopeless in the kitchen, though, Brian becomes emotionally inert, responding to the Bachelorette's attempted conversation starters -- "How do you like your broccoli?", "Are you a cheese guy?" -- with grunts. And she does NOT love it. "The movie made cooking look so romantic," laments Andi. "This is not romantic."

NEXT: Three men get deported

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