The Bachelorette recap: Don't Go Away Mad

The saddest season of The Bachelorette... EVER continues as Andi learns of Dylan's agonizing past and then has an angry farewell fight with Eric.
Ep. 04 | Aired Jun 2, 2014

EVERY ROSEBUD HAS ITS THORN: Andi and Eric in happier times on the group date.

So how many takes did you think Team Bachelorette needed to get footage of Andi getting the ball in the basket? It's group date time at the Mohegan Sun Arena, and the guys are psyched. "This is my game!" gushes Brian, who I forgot until this very second is a high school basketball coach. But then five extremely tall women from the WNBA arrive to help Andi emasculate her dates with a little friendly competition. Jokes Lindsey Harding of the LA Sparks, "I really hope they have more game off the court than they do on the court." BURN! Once the WNBA players are done embarrassing the guys, Andi tells her suitors that they're going to break into teams and battle for a nighttime date.

Apparently, though, Team Bachelorette only had enough professional jerseys for one team, The Rosebuds (Nick, Cody, Andrew, Eric, Marquel, and Brian), so the remaining guys (Josh, JJ, Chris, Patrick, and Tasos) have to make due with inside-out jerseys decorated with hearts drawn in sparkly silver puffy paint. (Um, Mr. or Ms. Continuity Supervisor, why do the silver hearts keep appearing and disappearing on the guys' jerseys?) At halftime, the score is tied at a blistering 6-6, so either each team is only making a basket every eight minutes or the entire game is 12 minutes long. Rosebud teammate Marquel is feeling pretty cocky -- "They're going to go back to the hotel and eat some cereal, or whatever it is that losers eat" -- and in the end, his assessment is correct: "We wake up in the morning and we breathe excellence." That actually doesn't make much sense, but the bottom line is the Rosebuds win, and Five of Hearts are heading back to the hotel... but not before being subjected to the Rosebud's muffled cheers through the locker-room walls.

Some of them might not want to celebrate too soon -- particularly Eric. "I definitely feel like our relationship is not progressing," Andi confesses. "That's something that I need to talk to him about today." It turns out he has some concerns of his own -- primarily that attempting to have a normal date with someone on a reality TV show is (shocker) a lot harder than it looks. "Every one-on-one time we've had – it's so formal," he complains to Andi. "Even the way that we're sitting and the way that we're dressed. This isn't really me." Eric hopes they'll dispense with the "formality" of the situation and get down to real, human-being dates soon enough -- which is a lovely sentiment but a total pipe dream. "It worries me that we don't thrive in [this] setting," the Bachelorette tells him, adding that she still doesn't know anything about Eric's family.

Oh God, Andi, did you have to? I mean, I know there's no way she could have possibly predicted any of this… but her question prompts another gut-wrenching-in-retrospect answer from Eric about visiting everyone in his family before coming on the show "because I didn't know how long [before] I was going to see them again." Oh man, and now he's talking about how he was raised Mormon but left the church – a hard decision because he thought it also meant "giving up my family." La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la please cut to another scene Team Bachelorette this is brutal la la la…

NEXT: "There's no crying in rappelling!"

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