Okay, Andi: chin up, girls out, cocktail party – go! Nick V. takes control early on by handing the Bachelorette a date card and leading her outside for a mini one-on-one, where they drink champagne and talk about their mutual desire not to settle. Marquel moves in next, but frankly I couldn't hear anything he said over the clashing cacophony of patterns on his shirt, tie, and socks. Josh undercuts his "I'm not your typical jock" platform by vomiting a series of words onto Andi's sparkly dress – none of which form a complete sentence. "You're rambling!" giggles the delighted Bachelorette. "You're a mess!"
In related news, it's finally Craig's chance to sit down with Andi. Will he be able to erase the image of himself running around the vineyard villa in his underwear, soaking wet and butt-ass wasted? Why yes! Unfortunately, though, Craig replaces it with something even worse: a white-guy-with-guitar apology. "I bared my junk to 13 other guys/but I hope and pray that it's all right," Craig croons in the key of loser. "Oh Andi/Pleeeease let me stay."
Yeah, that's not gonna happen, pal. When all the boutonnieres have been distributed, Ron, Dylan, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody, Nick V., Patrick, Brian, Brett, and Bradley join Eric, Marcus, and Chris in the rose brigade – meaning Craig, Nick S., and Carl must take the long walk to the Reject Van alone. In the end, Andi "couldn't get past" Craig's boozy behavior, Nick's extreme anatomical exposure, or, presumably, Carl's Charles Nelson Reilly glasses.
Well, y'all, week two is done! While I won't miss Craig or his balding partner-in-crime Nick S., I do wish we had a chance to hear more than four words out of Carl the Hot Firefighter. So tell me, rose lovers, who are your early favorites? Post 'em below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive blog over on PopWatch to find out if he's recovered from his xxxtra-close encounter with Dylan. See you next week! (Wait – two episodes? As Andi would say, stop it.)