The after-party commences at Malibu Rocky Oaks Estate Vineyard, an expansive Tuscan-style villa filled with candles and throw pillows. Josh uses the romantic setting to badger Andi about stereotyping him as a "typical athlete." He hasn't even dated anyone in five years! (Random, anonymous hookups and one-night-stands? Sure. But no dating.) The Bachelorette, who admits she's no stranger to dating jocks, LOVES it. Craig, meanwhile, has been drinking non-stop since they arrived (does Linus work at Malibu Rocky Oaks?), and by the time he accosts Andi in the hallway he's a slobbery, red-faced St. Bernard of a man. His 80-proof response to Andi's "ask me anything" salvo is simultaneously hilarious and heart-rending: "What's your worst thing about your parents?"
Even after she extracts herself from Craig's boozy clutches, Andi can't really escape him; the blotto buffoon's bellows are echoing so loudly throughout the villa eventually the Bachelorette gets up from her sit-down with Ron to find out what in the holy hell is going on. The answer: Craig has just jumped into the pool fully clothed. (Props to whichever dude yelled, "Take your shoes off!" in a failed attempt to save Craig's footwear.) After the tax attorney drunkenly shoves Patrick, producers finally step in and send Craig back to Casa Bachelorette to dry out. The liquor industry's loss is Marcus' gain, though: He gets the date rose. Maverick FTW!
Chris gets the final one-on-one date, and after the Craig debacle all he really needs to do to get a rose is not give himself alcohol poisoning. Shouldn't be too hard, as his date with Andi is a classy, formal-dress affair: Playing the ponies at Santa Anita Park. Team Bachelorette has even planted a sweet-looking elderly couple -- married 55 years, God bless 'em -- in the box seats next to Andi and her date to serve as a living What If? scenario. "You make a beautiful pair," the charming, bow-tied gentleman tells Andi, before dispensing some marital advice: "Do not put your courtship on camera." "Just learn to trust each other."
At dinner Andi probes into the soft-spoken farmer's past, asking why he's never found his soulmate. Chris explains that he thought he had found The One back in college. "Actually, we got engaged," he tells Andi, who does her darndest to arrange her facial features in a way that says "I'm listening sympathetically," but instead her expression clearly reads, "Imma cut a bitch." Fortunately for Chris, he manages to swerve back onto Andi's good side with some mumbled flattery: "I am here for you. I can honestly tell you that you were the one that I was hoping for." Lapel, meet rose. This Wild Life, meet America.
NEXT: "Hi, I'm Carl." "And I'm Carl's glasses."