The date concludes with a fireside dinner in a rustic "cabin" that looks about three times the size of my apartment. It's all going so well that Andi feels the need to list all the things she's not good at, just to make it clear to Eric -- whom she calls a "Renaissance Man" -- that she doesn't deserve him. Do I wish that Team Bachelorette had edited out the part where Eric talked about his danger-soaked trip to Syria, where a terrifying encounter with two militants prompted him to type a "goodbye" text to his parents? Hell yes. Sure, it was probably the most substantive monologue anyone's ever given on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but watching Eric choke up about saying goodbye to his parents while knowing his parents later had to say an all-too-painful goodbye to him? Brutal. Please, Andi, just give him the rose and give us all a moment to compose ourselves.
Ding-dong! It's an Accent Table of Doom at the door! Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., and Dylan, the date card has a message for you: "Let's bare our souls." Yes, Dylan, there will likely be a thong involved. Cut to the next morning, when it's all aboard the tour bus to OHM Nightclub, also known as a passageway to "the fine world of male exotic dancing." It's time for some payback, boy bitches! Andi's still traumatized by her "naked" photo shoot date with Juan Pablo, so she's going to make you strip down with a group of oiled individuals known as the Hollywood Men. But don't worry -- it's all for charity via Bachelor Gives Back, also known as the producers' public attempt to balance out their karma.
The dudes are divided into top three food groups found on the Female Sexual Fantasy menu -- soldiers, firemen, and cowboys -- and taught some simple routines. This is as good a time as any to observe that Craig, drunken star of the "tonight on The Bachelorette" episode preview, is already beginning to exhibit doofus tendencies. "I hope I turn on some girls and make some money for charity!" he hollers, forcing Josh into an awkward high five. "Josh is a stuuuud," gushes Craig, who, incidentally, sounds like the lovechild of Forrest Gump and Jeff Spicoli. "He's kind of the full package."
So to recap: Craig probably belongs on Boy Meets Boy, Nick S. the golfer is wearing a terrible robot costume that looks like it was sewn together by a blind one-armed child, and the rest of the guys are dressed their "marble bags" and ready to objectify themselves for charity. Speaking of charity, Team Bachelorette has invited Kelly the "dog lover" and Sharlene the opera singer to extend their 15 minutes by appearing as Andi's "VIP" guests at the amateur striptease extravaganza. It's all fairly routine except for the moment that a thong-clad Nick S. bends over and shows Andi & Co. his rhymes-with-Emil region. "I kinda saw a part of a man that no woman is supposed to see," laments the Bachelorette. Once fireman Dylan finishes undulating his booty in Harrison's face and Marcus' completes his Top Gun-themed solo dance, the guys stream into the audience to collect tips for charity. (If those fistfuls of dollars Andi tossed into the air are any indication, they raised at least thirty bucks.)
NEXT: Strategically placed old people at Santa Anita Park