The Bachelor recap: Family Planning

Nikki, Andi, Renee and Clare take Juan Pablo home to meet their loved ones -- and most (but not all) of the parents are surprisingly okay with the idea of their daughter marrying the Guy From TV.
Ep. 08 | Aired Feb 24, 2014

ALIVE WITH PLEASURE: Doesn't this look like one of those cigarette ads that doesn't actually show any cigarettes?

Renee's date (Sarasota, FL)

Oh my God -- someone call Child Protective Services! Renee says she's "literally" going to "eat" her son Ben when she sees him! Oh, wait, call off the dogs – she meant figuratively literally, not literally literally. It has been two whole months since she's seen him, and I'm telling you right now if you did not at least get misty watching their reunion -- and the unbearably sweet expression of pure joy on Ben's little face -- then you should just dig a hole in the ground now and bury yourself, because you are dead. Even Juan Pablo hovering on the sidelines couldn't ruin this heartwarming mommy-and-son homecoming. Juan Pablo tries a little too hard to make small talk with Ben, but the awkwardness level isn't too high, and eventually the boy trots off to play baseball with his team. "I can't wait to have a son," gushes Juan Pablo. "I can't wait to play baseball, football, soccer, everything with him." Yes, if only you had an able-bodied child with whom you could engage in athletic activities!

Oh Aaron Paul... I'm sorry, but I don't want to watch the trailer for your car movie, bitch.

Moving on: Night has fallen, and Juan Pablo, Ben, and Renee have arrived at her parents' house. Renee's mom Brenda throws some softballs the Bachelor's way ("Is there chemistry between the two of you?") and then gives her daughter some sage (though slightly strange) advice. "I want you to be in love," she tells Renee. "Because we can love our pets, but you need to be in love with the man that you want to be with." Turns out Renee is "totally, madly, crazy in love" with Juan Pablo... but, like Nikki, she still doesn't have the guts to tell him. Will she get another chance? Only Chris Harrison knows for sure.

Clare's date (Sacramento, CA)

Oh my God, the bees! The BEES! Why are they so angry? Maybe it's because it's time for Clare's hometown date, and she, too, buzzes with an undercurrent of rage. Right now, everyone is all smiles, as Clare meets Juan Pablo at the rose garden in McKinley Park. She then launches into a heartbreaking story about one of the last conversations she had with her dad, in which she lamented that they wouldn't be able to dance together at her future wedding. "He said, 'Why wait 'til then? I'll dance with you,'" Clare tells Juan Pablo. "He told me to pick out the song I wanted to dance to with him at my wedding, and then we danced." Must... not... cry… Too... many... feels...

Helloooo, Clare's family! My, this is a big group: sisters Lisa, Laura, Madeline, Julie, mom Lillian, and brother-in-law-Ernie. Madeline asks Clare how she would respond to a potential Juan Pablo proposal ("I would say yes in a heartbeat!") and manages to temper her disapproval with a smile. "You really would? You've known each other for how many weeks, and you'd really...?" (It doesn't help Madeline's case that Clare's parents knew each other for only three weeks before they got engaged.) Laura takes a more aggressive tack: "How much would it hurt if he didn't choose you?" she asks Clare, but totally brushes off her answer -- "It doesn't matter because of how strong I've become" – and charges ahead with this provocative pronouncement: "To give a blessing, I don't believe that we're there yet."

NEXT: "I'm just going to be back here" lurking awkwardly

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