The Bachelor recap: Fight and Flight

One "lady" leaves of her own volition, while Clare and Nikki take their cold war to Defcon 2.
Ep. 07 | Aired Feb 17, 2014

BEACH BLANKET HIMBO: Juan Pabs presents the episode's only date rose.

Presumably Sharleen gets the date rose -- or maybe there is no date rose? -- because the next scene begins with Sharleen back at the hotel and joining Renee on the patio for a heart-to-heart. "I am not sure, and it's not fair to… to take that spot from someone who is sure," she confesses. You'd think Renee would be all, "Welp, I'll help you pack!" -- but instead she advises Sharleen to make sure she really knows what she wants before making any emotional decisions.

We'll leave Sharleen to her internal struggle and move on to the next day and Nikki's one-on-one date. The card said "Nikki, listen to my heart beat," to which the nitpicky nurse whined, "Am I gonna have to dance again?" -- but the truth is much scarier than the prospect of watching Nikki bust a move again. Instead, Juan Pablo is bringing Nikki to watch Camila's dance recital -- thereby violating the implied no-go zone that any normal father would have constructed between his child and the group of attention-seeking neurotics he's dating on TV!! Juan Pabs, I am so disappointed in you. Nikki, though, is totally delighted and can't help but gloat. "I'm flattered," she tells Team Bachelor. "I think it kind of shows how much he cares about me."

As Nikki and Juan Pablo walk into the auditorium where the Bachelor's parents -- and his baby-mama Carla -- are waiting, I've gotta believe Nikki thought to herself, I'm REALLY rethinking these ultra-short tramp cutoffs right about now. Still, she puts on her best nicey-nice face and greets Mama, Papa, and Carla with a cooing "Nice to meeet you!" (Carla keeps it classy by planting a polite kiss on Nikki's cheek, but Camila shoots her dad a hilarious "You're embarrassing me!" side-eye.) The kids perform a precocious and adorable ditty, and when it's over Camila rushes into her daddy's arms. Juan Pablo introduces her to his "friend" Nikki, who immediately begins gushing about how "perfect" Camila's performance was. I can only imagine Carla's thinking, Excuse me, if anyone's going to ladle excessive praise on my daughter it's gonna be ME.

After some aggressively pleasant, post-recital chit-chat among the adults, Juan Pablo prompts Camila to give Nikki a Cheetos-dusty goodbye kiss and bids goodbye to his family. At some point, Nikki changes into a backless hooker-halter top and fringed black miniskirt, and then they head to Marlins Park, aka Juan Pablo's "office." There they picnic near second base and have a not-quite-surface conversation about whether Carla is okay with Juan Pablo bringing a TV bride into the family. "She's totally okay," says the Bachelor. "She understands everything." Well then -- that settles that! Declares Nikki, "I'm in love with Juan Pablo."

You know who totally isn't in love with Juan Pablo? Sharleen. She assembles the "ladies" in the living room to break the news that they already suspected: Juan Pablo is not the guy for her, so she's going to pull a Brooks and get the hell out of Miami. But first, she's got to break the news to the Bachelor, so it's off to room 1617 -- and this time, the knock on the door does not mean he's about to get lucky in the ocean. Sharleen slumps down on the couch and begins whispering her dear Juan speech. "I just don't know that I can get to the place I'm supposed to be at in three weeks' time," she murmurs. "I don't want to take the spot of someone else... who can be at that place for you."

NEXT: "Let's f---ing wrap this s--- up and go home!"

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