The Bachelor recap: Sea Change

After a clandestine ocean encounter with Clare in Vietnam, Juan Pablo realizes he's got to spread the love around to the rest of the "ladies"
Ep. 05 | Aired Feb 3, 2014

REGRETS, HE'S HAD A FEW: Clare is so very sad that Juan Pablo had second thoughts about their late-night hanky-panky

ABC

During their chat on the beach, Sharleen remains teasingly aloof, hinting that she's annoyed he hasn't paid more attention to her. But her emotional ice begins to melt once Juan Pablo declares her "muy cuchi" (which according to Wikipedia means "cute, nice, pretty") and starts slipping his tongue into her mouth. He takes the same approach with Andi -- and the making out definitely does more to boost her confidence than his little "I want your cheeks to hurt from smiling" speech from earlier in the day. ("Sorry mom," giggles Andi. "Another episode you can't watch!") I hope you savored that millisecond of happiness, girl, because what happens next is going to plunge you back into the pit of despair: Clare gets the date rose.

And what happens after that is enough to make us all feel queasy. Back at the hotel, Clare tells the "ladies" that she's going to bed, and then sneaks out and scampers up the steps to Juan Pablo's suite. "The one thing on my bucket list that I've never had the chance to do is swim in a warm ocean," she tells Team Bachelor. "And I kind of want to do it with Juan Pablo." The next thing we know -- Ding-dong! There's a needy hairstylist at the door! -- the duo are charging into the surf holding hands. "The waves were wild, and we got a little wild too," admits the Bachelor. How do you say "ewwwwww" in Spanish?

Well, Nikki, I hope you've got some tricks packed in that little pink suitcase, because it's going to be tough to top Clare in the "one-on-one" department. They begin their date strolling through the grounds at Marble Mountain, but it's not long before Juan Pablo reveals what they're really doing: going to Hell! Well played, Team Bachelor. In my fantasy, they chose Vietnam as a destination simply so they could film Juan Pablo and some poor chick lowering themselves into a dark hole called Hell Cave. There couldn't possibly be a better visual metaphor for this franchise.

Guess what? Nikki's afraid of heights, and depths, and plummeting to her death, and all that good stuff. (She is not, however, afraid of hideous headbands.) Fortunately, Nikki also says she's "willing to take risks for love," and declares, "I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants." (Second-grossest visual? When Juan Pablo tells Nikki during the descent, "If you open your legs it's better.") Dinner is largely unremarkable. Nikki launches into a rehearsed-sounding speech about how she thought "long and hard" about whether she'd be a good stepmom, and eventually came to the inevitable conclusion that yes, yes she would. And he LOVES it. Date rose, meet Nikki.

The final cocktail party of the week gets off to an awkward start -- first because Juan Pablo announces that he's sending home three women this week, and then because Clare raises a toast to "finding love, being loved, and making love." Yuck. It does seem like the Bachelor is struggling to pick out three "ladies" to send packing -- I mean, the dude has a soft spot for everyone. He "likes" Andi, believes Cassandra would "be a good stepmom," thinks Sharleen has "got it," and finds Renee "beautiful and smart." In fact, Juan Pablo is so smitten with Renee that he can't kiss her fast enough once she assures him that Ben won't be "pissed" at him for doing so. Cue the orchestra!

NEXT: "Why didn't you say no?"

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