The Bachelor recap: Hey Jealousy

The "ladies" finally start to realize that Juan Pablo is dating, like, a bunch of other chicks, and they are not happy
Ep. 03 | Aired Jan 20, 2014

PLAYING DIRTY The blue team is green with envy when Sharleen (second from left) scores a private makeout session with Juan Pablo after the game.


After a delicious-looking breakfast of Juan-made arepas, the Bachelor grabs a water glass and a butter knife and does his best Chris Harrison -- clink! clink! clink! -- to announce that he's not-so-secretly replacing tonight's cocktail party with a pool party. Suit up, "ladies" (and don't forget to lube up those boobs with SPF)! What follows is a lot of drinking, splashing, squealing, and Juan Pablo-ogling... especially by Kat, who climbs up on the Bachelor's shoulders and challenges her fellow contestants to a good old fashioned chicken fight. "Kat is trying too hard," sneers Kelly. "Juan Pablo's head was in her crotch for 20 minutes." (And his hand was on her right breast for several seconds, but that's not important right now.)

Of course Kelly is not the only one who's annoyed by Kat and her antics. Sharleen uses her one-on-one time with Juan Pablo to make him feel bad about her choice to sign up for a televised dating show. "There are just a lot of cameras zooming in on [my] face looking into [my] soul, and [I'm] kind of like, 'My soul wants to be left alone!'" she complains, before strategically turning on the waterworks so Juan Pablo will wrap her in his arms. Betch, no one's holding you hostage -- if this is all too hard on your fragile little fame-seeking soul, that producer with the crazy hair will be more than happy to call you a cab. Got it?

Unfortunately for the other "ladies," this whole drama is unfolding just a few yards away. "It's kind of awkward that I can see them," mumbles Alli. Much like the honey badger, though, Sharleen don't care -- she just takes what she wants, and in this case that's a taste of Juan Pablo's lips. The Bachelor feels a little uncomfortable macking in front of everyone else so he cuts Sharleen off pretty quickly, prompting her to playfully call him "a tease!" (I'm beginning to wonder if she's actually the man in this relationship.) Juan Pablo's brief bench (or French?) kissing session with Sharleen is enough to send Clare running to the bathroom in tears, though, especially because the Bachelor hasn't taken the time to acknowledge their awesome connection since she got the first date rose. You should be crying, missy -- you could become the next victim of the First Date Curse! Will it happen tonight? Only the rose ceremony knows for sure.

Speaking of, it's time for 10 "ladies" to join Chelsie, Nikki, and Cassandra in the "keep" pile. Andi, Renee, Kelly (and Molly), Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle are the lucky ones, leaving Lucy and Christy empty-handed. Shocking, right? No, I don't mean the eliminations -- no one thought those two chicks were making it to hometowns. I mean the assortment of astoundingly terrible outfits on display at tonight's rose ceremony. It's nearly impossible to decide which frock was the fugliest -- Sharleen's orange-and-pink-and-black criss-cross strappy halter situation? Christy's silver sequined hot pants? Elise's sparkly red bustier/bathing suit skirt? Clare's purple-and-black spandex gown/aerobics leotard? Post your votes below. And be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to log off -- my soul wants to be left alone.

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