The Bachelor recap: Hey Jealousy

The "ladies" finally start to realize that Juan Pablo is dating, like, a bunch of other chicks, and they are not happy
Ep. 03 | Aired Jan 20, 2014

PLAYING DIRTY The blue team is green with envy when Sharleen (second from left) scores a private makeout session with Juan Pablo after the game.


I guess now is as good a time as any to discuss the unfortunate news about Juan Pablo's thoughts on homosexuality that came to light this weekend. Actually, it's not much of a discussion -- you either agree with him or you don't. (I don't.) You can either vote with your remote or keep watching. (I'll keep watching, in part because it's my job, and in part because if I didn't allow myself to consume TV/movies/music/books/art created by or featuring people who have misguided ideas, well, I wouldn't even be able to read the Bible. Which I do, folks.) Anyhow, the whole thing makes me really sad... which is convenient, since this show already plunges me into the depths of despair.

Let's join the group date already in progress. The red team (Nikki, Lauren, Danielle, Lucy, and "we were a little worried about" Kelly) strides onto the field full of attitude and confidence, and before long they're in the lead. (It doesn't help that the blue team's Sharleen keeps trying to block the ball with her face.) Ultimately, though, it doesn't matter who wins, because Juan Pabs invites them all to the post-game cocktail party overlooking the pitch. (I guess he wasn't up for sending the losers home, per Team Bachelor's recent tradition.) During the one-on-one chats, Nikki passive-aggressively tells Juan Pabs that she finds "short conversations" very stressful, which is why she hasn't opened upTM. The Bachelor assures her that he really wants her around, primarily for her "no se que" appeal, her vibe, her sexiness.

Naturally this all leaves Nikki feeling very confident -- "I don't think any of the other girls will have a better connection with Juan Pablo" -- but she may not want to count her ovaries before they're hatched. Andi, for one, also has a strong rapport with el Bachelor, if their makeout session in the back of the concession stand is any indication. A few other bits of bachelorette trivia we gleaned from the evening: Lauren wants "four or five kids," Danielle was adopted, and Sharleen is now suddenly hot for Juan Pablo. "There's just a sort of chemistry there that you don't come across every day," says Sharleen, the same woman who described her first encounter with the Bachelor as "a little forced." Now the only thing being forced is the other "ladies," who must watch as Juan Pablo plants one on the opera singer in the middle of the field. So which tongue bandit, Sharleen or Andi, gets the rose? Neither! The bud goes to Nikki, who gives her imaginary pot a celebratory stir for the camera.

With that, it's time for the final one-on-one date of the week, which goes to Chelsie -- much to Elise's chagrin. "I don't know if she's ready to be a stepmom. She seems like a baby to me," huffs Elise. "I don't know if having another daughter is what he wants." Sour grapes much, blondie? Either way, Chelsie is giddy with anticipation as she paws through her suitcase full of shoes. (She finally settles on these.) "I think it'll be a fun time, whatever it is," Chelsie muses as Lucy looks on from her bunk bed. On the drive to their mystery date, Juan Pablo cranks some tunes and sings along loudly. "I'm going to try to make her feel comfortable," he explains, which she must because pretty soon they're both "car dancing" with abandon.

NEXT: "You never let a man see you without your face on"

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