The Bachelor recap: Hey Jealousy

The "ladies" finally start to realize that Juan Pablo is dating, like, a bunch of other chicks, and they are not happy
Ep. 03 | Aired Jan 20, 2014

PLAYING DIRTY The blue team is green with envy when Sharleen (second from left) scores a private makeout session with Juan Pablo after the game.

ABC

¿Que pasa, rose lovers? It's another gorgeous morning in Bachelor land. We begin this leg of Juan Pablo's "adventure" on the patio, where Kelly, Renee, one of the blondes (Chelsie?), Lauren, and Molly are enjoying some coffee and wondering who'll get the next one-on-one date. (Please let it be Molly! Molly Molly Molly Molly...) Alas, when Harrison arrives -- boldly sporting a black-and-blue colorblocked button-down -- the date card he leaves does not bear the doggie's name. Fine, Cassandra, go on the date. Just know that Molly is not going to be ignored.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Long Beach, Juan Pablo is trying to feed Camilla some chicken during a picnic lunch with her grandparents, but she gives him the old toddler tight-mouth maneuver and whines, "¡No quiero pollo!" Ah, parenthood. At least Cassandra knows what it's all about -- which is exactly why Juan Pabs chose her for today's date. "She is a mother. She meeses her son," he explains. "I am not going to waste the time of Cassandra away from her son if I know that it's not gonna work out."

Well, el Bachelor, I suppose that depends on how you feel about rompers, because Cassandra just showed up wearing a red onesie. Hopefully it's waterproof, because after a brief joyride in a pimped out vehicle that kind of reminds Cassandra of a jeep, Juan Pablo steers them directly into the water. Dude, let's talk about this! The date isn't going that badly -- there's no reason to end it all! Oh, never mind. Juan Pabs is just playing with his very expensive new toy car-boat. I'm not sure who's more surprised: Cassandra, or me when she casually mentions that she was 18 just three years ago. How did I forget that she is so young? I suppose that explains her giant-baby outfit. (Fun fact: I literally Googled "Rompers yes or no" while writing this. Sadly, there is no consensus.)

Eventually Juan Pablo drives Cassandra to a waiting yacht, primarily so they can leap from the top deck into the water. Otherwise, what footage would Team Bachelor show when Cassandra utters the obligatory "I'm just going to trust him and jump in with him" love analogy? Dinner is decidedly less fancy than usual: Juan Pablo brings Cassandra back to his temporary casa for a home-cooked pasta dinner. "The last time a guy cooked for me was... never," giggles Cassandra, who's so visibly nervous Juan Pablo tries to calm her down with a dance lesson. Shake those hips, mama! The Bachelor clearly wants to keep you around. Yes, after Cassandra tells us for the third (or fourth?) time that she hasn't had a first date since she was 18, and after Juan Pablo feeds her something that may or may not be a malted milk ball, the Bachelor gives a "this is hard because we're both single parents" fake-out speech before handing Cassandra the rose. Now tilt your head to the left, honey (no, the left!) -- Juan Pabs wants a smooch!

The group date is next, and I have to say I'm very impressed with Team Bachelor's restraint -- they waited 2.25 whole episodes before organizing a soccer-themed activity. The LA Galaxy has graciously agreed to let Juan Pablo and his harem -- Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, and Nikki -- invade their turf for an afternoon. Before the bloodsport begins, though, Juan Pablo wants the "ladies" to run through a few practice drills. (It's all fun and games until the ball breaks Kelly's nose, right?)

NEXT: Juan Pablo's "pervert" problem

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