The Bachelor recap: Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Drunk

It's not a party until one of the "ladies" drinks twice her weight in free champagne and hitches a ride on the crazy train right out of Juan Pablo's life
Ep. 02 | Aired Jan 13, 2014

STRADDLE PLAN Victoria shows her "fun" side during the photo shoot with Juan Pablo (and Chantel), but her really "fun" side doesn't come out until later.

Not even Juan Pablo can pull Victoria from her rage spiral -- but he doesn't take her rebuff personally. "It's not easy to be in this situation," he tells the ladies. "I was there and I was nervous too, and I feel bad for her, honestly." ┬┐Como se dice class act? And with that, Kelly gets the date rose, and the uncomfortable evening draws to a close. Sadly, that's not the last we see of Victoria, as Team Bachelor has parked her in a hotel to dry out and wait for a visit from Juan Pablo in the sober light of day. The 24-year-old offers a less-than-heartfelt apology for "setting off the crazy train," and ultimately attributes her behavior to a faulty emotional regulator: "I feel everything very intensely." And if you thought that was an understatement, get a load of her next excuse: "I probably could have been a little more adult about it." And if you thought THAT was an understatement, check out Juan Pablo's explanation for sending Drunky McHotmess home rose-less: "From what I saw of Victoria, she's not ready to get into a relationship with somebody who has a daughter."

I don't know about you, rose lovers, but I'm exhausted. How are we going to make it through the cocktail party? In fact, I'm a little worried that I actually fell asleep and dreamed a segment where Amy used her one-on-one time to "interview" Juan Pablo with an invisible microphone for an imaginary television show. Did that happen? And did Sharleen actually apologize for being a totally "ungracious" jerk-face when Juan Pablo gave her the First Impression Rose? Man, I should take Ambien before I recap more often!

Speaking of waking nightmares, Cassandra can't enjoy the party at all because she's got a bad case of missing her little man. If anyone can understand, it's Juan Pabs, who's spending every day without his best girl, Camila. Given that, he tries to assure Cassandra that he absolutely won't string her or Renee along, because they've got someone waiting for them at home. (The rest of the "ladies," though, he's totally just gonna f--k with them.)

Naturally, Cassandra gets the first rose at the ceremony, followed by Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle (holy sleek hair!), Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy. Sorry, Amy, but it seems Juan Pabs did NOT love your weird fake interview, and Chantel... well, we don't really know anything about you, so safe travels, okay?

Well, Juan Pablo thinks it was a "great week" -- do you agree, rose lovers? I'm a little bummed out that the season's much-hyped meltdown happened in week two... where do we go from here? And I'm not getting a clear sense of who Juan Pablo is actually into -- it seems like he just wants to "get to know" everyone "better." Do fellow moms Renee and Cassandra have the edge? Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive Bachelor blog over on PopWatch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go look up "the hymen maneuver" in a medical dictionary.

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