The Bachelor recap: Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Drunk

It's not a party until one of the "ladies" drinks twice her weight in free champagne and hitches a ride on the crazy train right out of Juan Pablo's life
Ep. 02 | Aired Jan 13, 2014

STRADDLE PLAN Victoria shows her "fun" side during the photo shoot with Juan Pablo (and Chantel), but her really "fun" side doesn't come out until later.

Some of the bachelorettes are styled as women -- like Cassandra with her Victoria Grayson bandage dress -- while others aren't so lucky, like Lucy, who's told to wear a flimsy fire hydrant costume, or Kelly, whose bald cap and body paint kind of make her look like a brown M&M with leprosy. But Kelly's got it easy compared to Elise, who's told her outfit consists of just two small white signs, and Andi, whose outfit only consists of one. (It reads, "ADOPT.") Unfortunately for Andi, Elise is a quick thinker and she gets to Lucy first. Guess who's ready to swap outfits? "I was happy to take off my top, as always," explains Lucy. To drive her point home, she also agrees to walk a big black pooch named Electra down Santa Monica Boulevard while wearing nothing but a thong. Honk if you feel an ache in your soul that you just can't explain!

Meanwhile, Juan Pablo is having a great time with the "ladies" in the studio, reenacting Lady and the Tramp with the "elegant" Cassandra and nuzzling with the "stunning" Renee... but he can't totally enjoy himself while Andi is pouting in the corner about having to get naked. Ever the gentleman, he tracks her down and assures her that it's all going to be fine, because, you see, he's going to be naked too! That's enough to put a smile on the prosecutor's face, so she dons her itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny flesh colored bikini and gets into frame with Lucy, two furry friends, and Juan Pablo, who is probably wearing a tiny speedo... but I can't tell for sure, despite numerous freeze-frame attempts.

Okay, clothes on, folks! Drinks and loaded chit-chat awaits at Team Bachelor's regular rooftop pool. Cassandra gets her one-on-one time first, and she's clearly very nervous about telling Juan Pablo she has a little boy -- or maybe she's just freaked out by the fact that he's standing in her personal space, perpendicular to her body, and staring intently at her face while she talks. Either way, he takes the news about Cassandra's son in stride. The evening drones on uneventfully as Juan Pablo hops from one sit-down chat to the next, and while there's the usual hand-wringing about "pressure" and "stress" of the situation, everyone waits patiently for her turn. Only in Victoria's case, "waiting patiently" means "pounding glass after glass of bubbly."

Nikki tries to do her a solid by telling Victoria to "tone it down" -- "I think everyone thinks you're a little hammered and crazy right now," she explains -- but Vicki's trying not to hear that. "This is how I am sober!" she retorts. "I'm just fun sober!" It's hard to argue with that; who else but a "fun" person would declare that life is about "straddling people... and things"? And if "I'm not a dog -- I'm just a bitch" isn't a million-dollar t-shirt slogan waiting to happen, I don't know what is. Unfortunately for Victoria, her booze-fueled emotional roller coaster is about to plummet down a steep, steep, hill of despair. After weaving through the hotel in search of Juan Pablo and finding him sitting in an alcove with Nikki, Victoria marches her way to the bathroom, locks herself in a stall, and sobs. Renee's efforts to comfort her fall on deaf, extremely drunk ears. "I'm done! I'm going home!" she wails. And there's no effing way she's waiting to talk to a producer or for Team Bachelor to book her a flight or call her a cab! She's done. Done. DONE!

NEXT: Sharleen admits she did not make a great first impression

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