The Bachelor recap: Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Drunk

It's not a party until one of the "ladies" drinks twice her weight in free champagne and hitches a ride on the crazy train right out of Juan Pablo's life
Ep. 02 | Aired Jan 13, 2014

STRADDLE PLAN Victoria shows her "fun" side during the photo shoot with Juan Pablo (and Chantel), but her really "fun" side doesn't come out until later.

The date seems to be going well enough. Clare, naturally, decides within the first three minutes that Juan Pablo is the man of her dreams. "I haven't felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long, long time," she gushes, as we watch Juan Pablo pull her flailing frame up from the ice. "He puts me at ease." Hell yeah he does -- especially when the duo move to the hot tub and Clare finds herself "watching this amazing body, like, slither into the spa." Somehow she manages to control herself, though, and uses her hot tub time to give Juan Pablo the world's weakest back massage while telling him all about her dear, departed dad.

Juan Pabs totally understands her heartbreak: "If you have a father that treated you like a princess, you want a man that treats you like a princess," he reasons. "Clare and I have high standards on relationships... I want her to stay." Once the rose is in her hot little hand, all of Clare's restraint vanishes. "Come in here -- come in here!" she commands Juan Pablo, before pouncing on his face. Clare and Juan Pablo end the evening pressing their bathing suited bodies together as they slow dance in the snow to this guy's music. I'm not gonna lie -- it was uncomfortable to watch.

The next day we're back to sun and Southern California warmth for Kat's one-on-one with Juan Pabs. The date card (delivered by that adorable fluffball Molly, much to the Accent Table of Doom's chagrin) said "Kat, I can FEEL the electricity" -- but it's apparently not local electricity, because their first stop is the airport. Aboard the private jet -- which Kat, bless her heart, thinks has enough fuel to take them to such far-flung cities as Miami or New York -- Juan Pablo hands Kat a day-glo green tank top, white skirt, bright blue running shoes, and a giant flashing glow stick. She dons it all dutifully, takes her mandatory bump of ketamine, and follows Juan Pablo down a long multi-colored pathway to... the starting line for a 5k called the Electric Run in Salt Lake City.

Where better to get to know someone than in the midst of screaming, glo necklace-bedecked throngs who are all jog-walking toward a stage... where a solitary rose awaits on glowing platform? "KAT!" a hoarse Juan Pablo screams into the microphone, straining to be heard above the crowd's shrill wall of sound. "WILL YOU ASSEPT THIS ROSE??" And we're two-for-two.

Group daaaaaaate! The self-proclaimed "lucky 13" -- Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy -- are off to their "say cheese" adventure. "I would assume it's a photo shoot? But maybe it's eating cheese," muses Kelly. "I'm good at both." Man, how great would a cheese-eating date be? Or even a cheese-eating competition? (God I miss Bachelor Pad.) But no such luck -- today's outing involves posing for photos with a passel of adorable puppies for Models n Mutts, an organization that helps raise money for pooches in need. Into hair and make-up, bitches! (And you too, "ladies.")

NEXT: This just in: Life is about straddling people... and things

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