The Bachelor recap: Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Drunk

It's not a party until one of the "ladies" drinks twice her weight in free champagne and hitches a ride on the crazy train right out of Juan Pablo's life
Ep. 02 | Aired Jan 13, 2014

STRADDLE PLAN Victoria shows her "fun" side during the photo shoot with Juan Pablo (and Chantel), but her really "fun" side doesn't come out until later.

Buenas dias, rose lovers! (No, I will not stop peppering this season's recaps with Spanish phrases in a well-intentioned though possibly offensive manner.) Have you recovered from last week's outbreak of Juan Pablo Fever? Just remember: Drink lots of fluids, take two of these, and tweet at Chris Harrison in the morning.

Before we begin this leg of Juan Pablo's "adventure," I need to get your input on something. If you were asked to rank the last five Bachelors from "most personality" (meaning: "I am reasonably assured there is a human being under those abs") to "least personality" (meaning: "I'd rather hang out with a box of turkey basters"), what would your list look like? Here's mine, from most to least:

Sean (2013) (I've said it before and I'll say it again: Rape whistle joke.)

Ben (2012) (Hey, I didn't say it had to be a likeable personality.)

Juan Pablo (2014) (He's living proof that earnest doesn't have to mean boring.)

Brad (2011) (Too bad we only saw it in the blooper reel.)

Jake (2010) (I'm pretty sure suppressed homicidal rage doesn't qualify as a personality.)

Discuss.

Anyhow, it's week two, and it looks like Team Bachelor is doing things a little differently this time. Rather than going through the whole Harrison-delivers-the-first-date-card ritual, we're informed via a "casual" poolside "conversation" between Kelly, Chantel, and Cassandra that hairstylist Clare will be going on the first Juan-on-Juan date -- his brilliant phrase, not mine. (I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to concentrate until someone gets Molly out of the pool. I don't think dogs can contract herpes, but why risk it?)

Okay, time to fluff your hair, "ladies," because Juan Pablo has arrived! And Clare's expectations are totally managed. "I know this sounds crazy," she says, "but this could be the first date with my future husband." (Well, at least you know it sounds crazy.) In keeping with the crazy theme, before getting in the car Juan Pabs ties a blindfold over Clare's eyes -- as the Greek chorus of "ladies" assembled in the driveway emit an approving "OoooWEEEEEEOOOOOooooh!" shriek. So, is he driving her to a Pin the Tail on the Donkey convention? A 50 Shades of Grey-themed costume party? A  dine-in-the-dark dinner party? Clare doesn't care. All she knows is that Juan Pablo smells awesome ("like Heaven in a bottle!") and he apparently thinks the blindfold impairs her ability to walk -- which means she gets to play Bran to Juan Pabs' Hodor.

He sets her down gently on the edge of an outdoor skating rink. Surprise, Clare! The date card said "let's chill out" -- and it turns out Juan Pablo means it literally. He and Clare will be enjoying a fun-filled evening sledding, skating, and otherwise romping amidst piles of fake snow. It's so cold Clare can even see her breath -- points for meteorological verisimilitude, Team Bachelor! (Things are markedly warmer back at Casa Bachelor -- so warm, in fact, that Lucy has decided she only needs to wear half of her bikini in the hot tub. "It was only a matter of time before those boobs were going to pop out of her bathing suit," shrugs Renee, who attributes it to Lucy's "hippie" nature. As we all know, hippies are total whores for screen time.)

NEXT: Day-Glo! Me say Day-ay-ay-Glo!

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