The Bachelor season premiere recap: There Will Be Stud

Sean kicks off his "journey" by changing up the rose rules and displaying a shockingly snappy sense of humor, proving he's more than just a delicious slab of man beef
Ep. 01 | Aired Jan 7, 2013

EYES UP HERE, LADIES! They're real, and they're pectacular.

ABC

AsheLee wastes no time finding Tierra to twist the knife a little bit. "So, is yours really the first impression?... I mean, you're stunning, but it's definitely not the first impression rose -- it's just the first rose." Tiny T appears horrified at this suggestion, but she should really just relax, because it looks like on this night, all the roses are created equal -- Sean's just handing them out as goes along. It's a potentially risky strategy -- giving out roses before he meets all the "ladies" could lead to second-guessing later -- but on the other hand, is any Bachelor's judgment really better at the rose ceremony, which inevitably happens in the middle of the night when everyone's delirious from exhaustion and booze? Anyhow, these buds are coming fast and furious: soon Selma, Robyn, Katie, Catherine, Jackie, and Leslie are beflowered. "The girls I'm giving roses to during the cocktail party are really girls that just have great energy and that I feel that initial connection with," says Sean, who admits his actions "are probably adding to the tension that already exists."

Exactly! cackles Team Bachelor as poor Ashley H. glances wistfully at the rose on the table before being led away from her one-on-one empty-handed by Sean. The same fate awaits Lindsay, who's spent the evening alternately worrying that Sean didn't get her wedding dress "joke" and pounding drinks. "Honestly, I wish I was more sober right now," she laments before heading into her alone time with Sean. Unfortunately, her plan to show the Bachelor that she's just a "goofball" and doesn't really expect him to marry her on night one involves drunkenly begging for kisses and then insisting in a baby voice that she's a "good girl" and that she and Sean have "the same morals."

Miss Lindsay is not the only one who's fallen prey to demon alcohol tonight: Ashley P. is 50 shades of wasted, as evidenced by the booty cha-cha she performs in Sean's eyeline as he's trying to have a conversation with Paige.  Eventually the Bachelor Pad refugee gives up and yields her spot on the couch to Ashley. "I have not forgotten about the tie," says the Bachelor tentatively. "I also brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble." (What's this? A sense of humor? Any Bachelor who can work the phrase "rape whistle" into an episode officially has my vote.) Pucker up, pal, because Ashley is about to inform you that her mom already refers to you as "my son-in-law." The Bachelor manages to disengage himself from the situation politely, and the good news for Ashley is that he doesn't appear to see it when she falls down the stairs.

As sloppy as Ashley P. is, at the very least she was trying to make herself stand out, which is something a few of the other "ladies" are loath to do. Taryn, for one, is driven to tears by the idea that she's going to have to compete with other women for Sean's affections (again: what show did you think you were joining?), while Sarah's insecurities are keeping her glued to the couch. Just as all of us have, at one time, thought we were unlucky in love because of some perceived flaw -- being too short/tall/fat/thin/flat-chested/curvy -- Sarah sometimes feels the only reason she's still single "is because I only have one arm."

NEXT: A blessedly short rose ceremony

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