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EYES UP HERE, LADIES! They're real, and they're pectacular.
Limo time! As he stands in the driveway waiting for the first woman to emerge, Sean closes his eyes, perhaps to say a silent prayer: Dear Lord, I know you appeared in my backyard as a burning bush to warn me about the danger reality TV poses to my soul, but if you'll forgive me and make sure that all the girls who come out of those limos are an 8 or higher, I promise I won't do 'Bachelor Pad.'
AshLee's out first, and after she says her hellos we meet Jackie, a cosmetics consultant who nonetheless chooses to brand Sean by applying a cheap-hooker shade of red lipstick to her kisser and planting one on the Bachelor's cheek. (The producers make sure that the next "lady" out of the limo, a sultry brunette named Selma, has some tissue tucked in her bosom so she can wipe the offending smooch mark off of Sean's cheek.) Bottle blonde Daniella engages Sean in an awkward "handshake" that is really just a series of high and low fives, while Kelly the cruise ship entertainer, who seems to be brimming with liquid courage, wobbles over to the Bachelor and belts out a little song: "I really hope love grows/but we won't find out unless you give me a rose."
Sean handles all of this unpleasantness with aplomb, telling Kelly her song was "amazing," and gamely letting Katie the yoga instructor lead him in a cleansing breath. The poor guy is stymied, though, when Ashley arrives and pulls a blue necktie out from under her décolletage and asks, "Maybe you can teach me how to use this later?" He stares at it helplessly for a few seconds before politely responding, "I'm guessing I know the symbolism behind this..." Fortunately Ashley makes a quick exit, and things seem to be going smoothly until Robyn arrives and collapses halfway through her second backwards handspring. Graduate Student Barbie (that is, Lacey) gives Sean a lace doily to remember her by, and when Paige tells the Bachelor that she was on Bachelor Pad 3, I seriously thought she was joking -- and the look on Sean's face said he clearly hoped she was joking -- but a quick Google search reminded me that she was the one who had a brief flirtation with Reid. (RIP, team Reid the Paige.)
Tierra's up next, and after she shows Sean the heart tattoo on her finger -- it's an open heart, perhaps inspired by Jane Seymour's collection at Kay Jewelers -- he takes an unusually long pause and then excuses himself for a minute. "Wait right here, okay?" The Bachelor hustles inside to find our fearless host Chris Harrison, who just happens to be standing in the living room next to a silver tray of long-stemmed roses. Tierra, explains Sean, has impressed him with her "positive vibes" and he wants to give her a rose. Sure, why the hell not? "I'm hoping that it doesn't create any tension among the girls," muses the Bachelor, as Tierra strides into the house to create tension among the girls. The "ladies" are still sober enough to pretend they're excited for Tierra, but obviously they all just want to hold her head under the swirling waters of the hot tub until she stops kicking. Groans Catherine, "Tierra walked in with a rose, and it was literally, like, an animal attack on the eyeballs."
NEXT: This season, the role of Shawntel will be played by...