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PAPER TRAIL "Wait a minute -- no one told me I'd be getting a bill for the Fantasy Suite..."
The Bachelor doesn't stop ("I can't think of one thing that you don't possess that I would need in a wife") until Lindsay finally takes control of the situation in a hilariously direct, yet sad and awkward way. "Okay, we'll I'm going to go, because this is just really, really painful, and this is my nightmare," she informs Sean. "I really didn't see this coming. I'm happy for you... But I honestly can't imagine my life without you and that's something that I'm, um, going to have to, um, figure out." And with that, she rids herself of those uncomfortably high heels and walks five steps ahead of Sean on the way back to the Reject SUV.
"I feel like an idiot!" she sobs bitterly, once inside. "Yeah, let's dangle everything I've ever wanted in front of my face and then take it away! Yes, please, please do that because that's exactly what I've always wanted." (I have to say, it's nice to see one of these women show anger, not just abject despair, in an exit interview for once.) Anyhow, Lindsay's going to be okay. After all, her dad lives on an Army base -- surely there's a handsome soldier there who'd be happy to grow old with the Major General's daughter.
Back at the Proposal Platform, Harrison makes a surprise appearance to deliver something to Sean -- it's the letter, of course, and it's from Catherine. (Of course.) Could Sean be getting the "Dear John" treatment? No, silly! Catherine just likes to write notes -- and this one's all "you're a man of God" and "I'm so excited to build our own family together" and "I truly believe we are perfect for each other" and "I will love you forever if you have me." All righty then! Let's get on with it, shall we?
The sun is setting by the time Catherine -- clad in gold, in keeping with The Bachelor's opposing-color-finale-gown tradition -- arrives at the Proposal Platform to meet Sean, and if that doesn't make her feel confident, the Bachelor's goofy grin and gushing words must. "I miss you every time we have to say goodbye," he tells her. "I don't want to say goodbye anymore. Catherine, I want to spend the rest of my life telling you that I love you." As Sean lowers himself to one knee, Catherine gulps for air and tries not to ruin her mascara. "Yes! Oh my God!" she gasps, as the Bachelor relocates the rock to her ring finger. "I love you so much," sobs Sean into her shoulder. "I'm going to tell you every day." (Simmer down, rose lovers -- AshLee doesn't own the copyright on that phrase.) After a few more smooches, the Bachelor hands out his final rose. Send in the elephant limo! As Sean and his bride-to-be sway atop the great beast's back, Catherine pats her new hunk of man meat and coos, "Oh my gosh, I get this? I get this?"
Harrison, don't keep us in suspense -- can we keep riding our proposal high or is this "recent update" about Sean's relationship with Catherine going to harsh our buzz? And is the Bachelor going to take his shirt off? "Not gonna happen," says the hunk, taking his place on the couch next to Harrison in the Thunderdome. Damn. (Side note: I refuse to acknowledge these stupid tweets scuttling across the bottom of the screen.) (Side note 2: Oh crap, I just did!)
NEXT: Sean tells Lindsay God made him dump her