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PLEASE DON'T FEED THE TOURISTS Sean and Lindsay bow to their monkey overlords on a beach in Thailand.
In other words, it's all over but the crying. Oh, and the "private, personal video messages." Are you ready to play Guess Which "Lady" is Getting the Boot Based on the Bachelor's Facial Expressions While Watching the Videos? Lindsay's up first, and based on the goofy grin plastered on Sean's face the whole time -- even when she says, "I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe soon I will be wearing one again for you" -- it seems like she's safe. There's more of a poignant, sentimental smile on Sean's face during Catherine's message -- though he does look he might cry or puke when she talks about how "comfortable" he was with her family. As for AshLee, well, Sean's smile looks a little more strained during her video… and it doesn't help that AshLee can't get through her speech without breaking down in tears. (You couldn't have smoothed that out in the editing room, Team Bachelor? Clearly the other two "ladies" got some forgiving edits.) By the time AshLee utters the heart-wrenching declaration "Because of who you are to me, I know that I am no longer broken," Sean is choking back tears.
Arrrrgh, stop with the "it kills me inside" preamble and just get on with it, mister! The first rose goes to Lindsay (the video message test never lies!), and -- 68 long seconds and a few ominous rumbles of thunder later -- Sean gives the second rose to Catherine. As soon as the word is out of his mouth, you can see AshLee's emotional shields return to their upright and locked position, and her icy gaze practically causes Sean to wet himself. AshLee stalks out of the room with nary a word to her competitors ("She's pissed," offers Lindsay helpfully) and practically stiff-arms Sean on her way to the Reject SUV. "Can I just explain myself, please?" pleads the Bachelor, who proceeds to offer no explanation at all: "I thought it was you from the very beginning. I felt like our relationship was... there was a lot of intensity there. And this was honestly the hardest decision that I've ever had to make. I think the world of you... I hope you know where I'm coming from."
Rather than answer, AshLee just fixes Sean in her terrifying death-glare before muttering "Whatever" under her breath and climbing as gracefully as possible into the back seat. Sean retreats to the Pity Bench alone, where he hangs his head in shame, in full view of his final two "ladies." And poor AshLee manages to hold it together for quite awhile in the Reject SUV, and when she does start to sob, she turns her back to the camera rather than give Team Bachelor their money shot. Hang in there, honey.
Two. Episodes. Left. Can you believe it, rose lovers? Before we move on to the mindless beauty that is The Women Tell All, let me know how you're feeling after tonight's "journey." Did AshLee's ouster surprise you? (I probably should have known something was amiss back on the beach when Sean told her "I admire you for so many reasons" -- that's something you say to your grandma... not the woman you want to
get freaky have a conversation with in the Fantasy Suite.) Is Lindsay the one to beat? And seriously, what does Catherine have against eye contact? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison's blog over on PopWatch when you're done. If you need me, I'll be reconsidering my opposition to the "AshLee for Bachelorette" idea.