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FOUR WOMEN AND A FUNERAL Desiree and Catherine wait to learn which one of them will pay the ultimate price, while AshLee and Lindsay are all, "We got this."
From the Filipino frying pan to the armed forces fire! Sean's next stop is Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, the post where Lindsay's dad the two-star general is in command. So, how exactly do you address a general upon meeting him -- Mr. or General? Sorry Sean, but Lindsay has no idea. "I think maybe avoid saying it," she suggests. When the time comes, though, the Bachelor goes with a simple, "Hey Mr. Yenter, nice to meet you as well." Phew! Glad that's over with. Now let's get to the real fun: Telling Mr. and Mrs. Yenter about how their daughter acted the fool on the first night -- "I got out of the limo in a wedding dress," admits Lindsay sheepishly, as the Major General turns pinker than the Bachelor -- and grilling Sean about his intentions. Lindsay's mom Lisa doesn't seem to mind that he's "not in the position" to say that he's falling in love with her daughter. "He's not going to share those type of words with anyone," she says. "I really respect someone like that."
Does Major General Yenter agree? Sir no sir! He's very worried that his "beautiful," "first-born" child will end up being hurt by this televised travesty, and he's not about to bestow some hollow "blessing" on a hypothetical future son-in-law's hypothetical proposal without making said future son-in-law feel like a jackass first. "I don't think I've ever been asked a tougher question in my entire life," begins the Major General, who proceeds to tell Sean that he's basically parachuted into enemy territory and is gonna have to save his own ass. Still: Blessing granted, private. Back to your bunk! "It feels like he accepts me and he thinks I'm worthy to be with his daughter," marvels Sean. "It makes me more attracted to Lindsay." The feeling is mutual: "I'm definitely falling in love with you," Lindsay tells Sean during their last-chance driveway clinch. "Totally."
Not so fast, missy! There's still one more "lady" to contend with. At long last it's time for Desiree's much-hyped hometown date, which begins on a hiking trail in LA. "Today I really just want the date to be an ordinary Saturday," she tells us. "The other dates are so extravagant and I really just enjoy this time to be, like, a real couple." Eventually the sun goes down and the "real" "couple" makes their way to Desiree's house -- can you guess what word Sean used to describe it? That's right: Cute! -- where they prepare dinner for Des' family. All of a sudden... knock knock knock! It's a red herring at the door! Yes, rose lovers, it seems the dramatic confrontation between Desiree and her nerdy, lovelorn ex was all a practical joke -- revenge for Sean's gallery gag way back when. I'd like to offer Des and her partner in pranks some props for a few things:
1. The script. "You're gonna be with this actor? This isn't real!" Way to reappropriate the single most damaging accusation leveled against this franchise and therefore render it powerless, Team Bachelor! Also, I loved the guy's dismissive wave toward the camera when he said it.
2. The camera operator who noticed Sean's hand was closed and zoomed in on it ominously. Somebody deserves a bonus!
3. "Don't put your hands on me."
4. Viewing party at Nick's house! It makes me extremely happy-sad to think that this nebbishy aspiring actor invited all of his friends over to his apartment last night to watch his "big break" on The Bachelor. Welcome to Hollywood! Hey, mister -- what's your dream?
NEXT: Desiree's brother is not impressed