The Bachelor recap: Eyebrow-Beaten

Ding-dong, the bitch is dead!
Ep. 07 | Aired Feb 11, 2013

THE BRUNETTE HAS TWO FACES Tierra is all smiles during her one-on-one with Sean.

ABC

Greetings from snowy New York City, rose lovers! I'll admit, watching Sean and the "ladies" soar over sunny St. Croix at the opening of tonight's episode, I almost wished I were on that little sea plane with them. But then Sean said that he's "more optimistic than ever that my wife is here," and I changed my mind. (Polygamy is illegal in New York, after all.)

Wow, look at the view from the "ladies" room at the Buccaneer Hotel! It's almost pretty enough to keep the women from being nervous about this being the last week before hometown dates. (Man, how is it possible that this season can simultaneously fly by and yet feel like it's been going on for an eternity?) While AshLee, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, and Catherine explore the room and mock-fight over who's going to get what four-poster bed, Tierra makes herself at home in the sitting room... by setting up a cot. "I'm not about to share a room with some girls I don't care for," she explains. "I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriends." She's also not pleased that she hasn't gotten a one-on-one date yet. "He's done a lot of talking with me and telling me that he's 'crazy' about me, but if you're 'crazy' about me, don't you want to spend time with me?" Team Bachelor clearly doesn't have the heart to tell her he says that about everyone.

So, Mr. Date Card, what say you? "AshLee, let's get carried away." If looks could kill, Tiny T would have given everyone in that room stage four pancreatic cancer. But instead, she waits for AshLee to leave the room and then makes a crack about how her 32-year-old rival is a "cougar." (As a 40-year-old woman, I should be depressed by this comment, but I'm not, because as we all know beauty fades, but dumb -- and forehead dents -- are forever.)

Sean arrives and leads AshLee on a swim out to a catamaran just offshore. During their post-swim hang on the beach, Sean is hungry for answers. "So," he asks AshLee, "has the drama subsided -- or have people just stopped telling me?" And God bless her, AshLee just lays it all out there, without any waffling. "She really is not polite. She isolates herself. It's awkward, it's weird. And who you get is a completely different girl than the house gets... That's the truth." I suppose the fourth time's the charm, because finally -- finally -- the Bachelor seems to listen. "I can tell she's as honest as they come, so when she tells me something about Tierra, I believe it." With that bit of housekeeping out of the way, the duo rolls around in the sand making out for a while.

Knock knock knock! It's an Accent Table of Doom at the door! Unfortunately, the ATOD has traveled a long way to deliver some crap news: Tierra is finally getting her one-on-one date: "Let's explore a love on the streets of St. Croix. Love, Sean." And yet, she does NOT love it. "Being attacked by bugs and the sweatiness and my makeup dripping off -- that's not fun, nor cool." (Here's an idea, sweetie: Try cutting your makeup layers down from 7 to 1.) The "ladies" are disgusted by Tierra's complaints, but not surprised. "She is the most unhappy person I've ever come in contact with," groans Lesley, adding with a world-weary sigh, "I hate that bitch." You and America both, honey.

NEXT: "I'm hot, I'm gross, I'm thirsty"

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