The Bachelor recap: Milking It

Part one of the two-night Bachelorpalooza features a group date gatecrasher, a goat-milking competition, and the dreaded two-on-one date showdown
Ep. 05 | Aired Feb 4, 2013

SEE NO EVIL Sean gets a surprise visit during his group date confessional.

ABC

Honestly, the odds are stacked against Jackie from the start. First of all, she's been such a non-presence this season that it's entirely possible Sean didn't realize she was still on the show. Second of all, Team Bachelor makes sure she got the only horse on the ranch that could actually benefit from a walker -- leaving her lagging way behind Sean and Tierra during the ride. And finally, she just can't stop herself from using her alone time with Sean during the date to badmouth Tierra. (R.I.P. Kacie B.!) "I would hate for you to fall in love with somebody who's not their true self," she says. "Obviously Tierra's been, ever since the other night, trying to fit in with the girls... and I appreciate that. Um, but you know, when there was a cute guy at the airport she did kind of make a comment that she thought he was cute and was definitely flirting."

Sigh. Will the "ladies" never learn? Men do not enjoy hearing anything critical about a woman that their penis likes very, very much. While Sean tells Jackie he appreciates her candor, and they even make out for a little while, I think we all know where this is going, people. First, we'll get the awkward, nearly silent dinner. ("If I could be somewhere else right now, I probably would," confesses Sean to his dates, after a particularly painful pause.) Then Tierra will play her trump card: Dead addict boyfriend. "The hardest part about losing him," she tells Sean, "was that I lost my best friend. I think that's why I'm so afraid of getting close to someone." And finally, the Bachelor will give Tiny T the rose. Peace out, Jackie! You made a valiant, though largely ill-conceived, effort. So as fireworks light up the sky over the lodge, Tierra sings her own version of Courtney's "I got the roooooooose" ditty and then explodes with maniacal laughter.

Man, this is gonna be a tense cocktail party, huh? Desiree sets on Sean first, telling him she finds his actions "confusing" and "unpredictable." Though she hasn't exactly said Why the f--- did you keep Tierra?, the Bachelor is pretty certain that's what Desiree is thinking. "Honestly, I left my conversation with Des having doubts," Sean confesses. "She tells me that she's confused and she doesn't tell me why." Desiree is slightly less mealy-mouthed in front of the other "ladies," though. "Jackie was probably the sweetest person in the entire house," she announces to the assembled group, which includes Tierra. "I think it's just hard to watch him send that home instead of that psycho hose beast over there in the insanely short skirt."

Naturally, Tierra storms off to stew alone by the fire. But she's not alone for long: Robyn, Lesley, and Catherine get their little girl gang together and gather in front of Tiny T (who looks even tinier since she remains seated while the rest of the "ladies" loom over her). What follows is a typically incoherent, drunken sorority girl-style smackdown that is not worth transcribing in full, so I'll summarize:

Robyn: Why are you so two-faced?

Tierra:  You accepted my apology. Shut up.

Robyn: Perhaps you didn't hear me. Why are you so two-faced?

Lesley: Could you maybe, like, be a human being rather than an alien beast?

Tierra: I'm not here to make friends. I also may have "anxiety."

Catherine: [rolls eyes, drinks wine, goes to her happy place]

Tierra: Screw all y'all! I can have any man I want! I will bite you with my Scorpio tail, or whatever!

NEXT: "I'm not sure that my wife is in there"

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