The Bachelor recap: Milking It

Part one of the two-night Bachelorpalooza features a group date gatecrasher, a goat-milking competition, and the dreaded two-on-one date showdown
Ep. 05 | Aired Feb 4, 2013

SEE NO EVIL Sean gets a surprise visit during his group date confessional.

ABC

Air hooooooooorn! First up it's the blue team's Lesley and Catherine racing the red team's Robyn and Selma in canoes. Though "racing" is probably a little too generous -- it's more "flailing, drifting aimlessly, and getting stuck in the weeds." Eventually, the blue team docks the boat and begins to "buck" their hay -- but their commanding lead evaporates when the bale carried by AshLee and Daniella falls apart, allowing Sarah and Desiree to catch up. Even after the goat kicks over Desiree and Robyn's bottle of milk and they have to start over, the blue team's AshLee and Daniella are not able to get back in the game. "Desiree -- she was good," marvels Robyn, as the camera zooms in on Des' hand expertly massaging the goat's udder. And once Sean gets a load of Desiree swallowing the entire jar of that goat's dairy emissions... well, I wouldn't be surprised if Sean considered giving her the final rose and calling the rest of the season off.

Sorry, blue team -- into the Reject Minivan you go! You'll be dining on minibar pretzels and misery while the red has an intimate night out with Sean at Casey's fine dining establishment... or will you? "Watching the blue team drive away just left a sinking feeling in my stomach," admits the Bachelor. "It just seems like it's a little late in the 'journey' to be sending girls home that I really need to spend time with -- so I decide that I'm gonna have to bend the rules a little bit."

Knock knock knock – it's a Host of Happy News at the door! Harrison arrives, all rustic sweater-y handsomeness, and hands a makeshift date card to AshLee: "AshLee, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine -- sending you home didn't feel good. Please join me at the party tonight." Shut uuuuuuuuuup! the "ladies" squeal collectively, who then scamper off to get ready. Meanwhile, back at Casey's, Desiree has just learned she chugged a tall glass of warm goat's milk for nothing. "I am so livid because none of it mattered!" she fumes to the camera, while turning her face to hide her burning rage and disappointment from Sean. And Robyn looks like she's about to take her earrings off and get real: "We won, and what do we get out of it? Time with Sean? Oh cool, the losers get time with Sean too," says a stone-faced Robyn. She pauses, and punctuates the moment with a chilling eyebrow raise. "It's like, we got nothing extra out of it."

As the blue team hustles off to get their party on with Sean, Tierra is hatching a plan of her own. "He knows that I've been patiently waiting for a one-on-one," she explains. "It's just a little disappointing, because I feel like I'm being misled." So she pulls on her boots and a borrowed blue-team shirt and heads out to hunt herself down a hunk. The helpful folks at Team Bachelor point her in the right direction, and before we know it, Tiny T is sneaking up behind Sean while he's filming a confessional and -- as the off-camera producer sets things up perfectly by asking him, "Are you anticipating any other surprises tonight?" -- placing her hands over his eyes. And then... we SMASH CUT to black.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IS HE DEAD? Oh... phew. It was just a commercial break. Turns out Tierra's still just standing there behind Sean, and when the Bachelor finally peels her hands from his face, his voice goes up an oh sh-- octave: "What are you doing here?"

NEXT: To the losers go the spoils... and the rose

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