The Bachelor recap: Tierrarist Attack

Tiny T continues to tantrum her way into Sean's heart, while Leslie H. gets the Pretty Woman treatment
Ep. 04 | Aired Jan 28, 2013

HELL ON WHEELS Tierra gets her couples-skate time with Sean at the derby rink.

ABC

Sean keeps the Recession Glam theme going for dinner, delighting in the fact that while Selma probably thinks they're headed to "this really fancy hotel," in fact they're going to dine... in a pretend trailer park! With a pool! And pink plastic flamingos! It's the perfect setting for the old, "So, why are YOU single?" talk. The Bachelor indulges Selma's inquiry with the tale we heard him tell before on Emily's season: He broke up with his one serious girlfriend years ago because he wasn't ready to get married. Now, Sean continues -- just in case Selma missed the point of this whole exercise -- he wants to commit to someone. And he really wants to kiss Selma, which is making her really nervous. "I was born in Baghdad, Iraq, and I was brought into this world as a Muslim," she tells us. "So in my culture, it's so strict -- we barely even date in public. So to kiss someone on national television -- I think my mom would literally have a heart attack!"

As a result, when Sean goes in for the smooch, Selma breaks it down for him: Try it, mister, and Mama will knock you out. Parts of him are sorely disappointed  --"Uhhhhhhhhhhhaaahhhhhhhh," he moans to the camera. "I don't know what to do!" -- but Sean still gives Selma the rose, and they hug it out.

The next day, the Bachelor -- ever the gentleman -- makes sure that the "ladies" on the group date also get a chance to immerse themselves in a physically challenging and uncomfortable experience. Guess what, Catherine, Sarah, Amanda, Lindsay, AshLee, Tierra, Robyn, and Jackie? You’re about to get your roller derby on! Amanda tries to psych the other women out by telling them she's played the game before (she hasn't), but she probably didn't need to lie to unnerve her competition -- once on their roller skates, these women demonstrate all the grace of a baby giraffe with an inner ear disorder. What follows is a montage of "ladies" falling in every way possible, slamming hard on their butts, collapsing onto their knees, and taking each other down as arms and legs flail helplessly.

Robyn is particularly afflicted with the clumsies: "Sean has seen me fall on my face in the rose ceremony, and now we're going to be going around in circles and I'm going to fall again," complains Robyn, who must be talking about falling down during her limo exit... unless Team Bachelor is holding out on us. Sarah, of course, is finding the whole experience emotionally and physically draining. "I don't have great balance and I don't have two arms to prop myself back up quickly," she says tearfully. "In moments like this, I just want to be normal." But after a pep talk from the Bachelor, Sarah gets back in the game and does her best... and my heart is filled with warm fuzzies against its will.

Meanwhile, Amanda is "totally killing it" (her words) at practice… until she loses her balance and gets a face-full of derby track. A paramedic arrives and delivers some bad news in his most soothing, soft-spoken tones: "It could be a broken jaw. You need to go to the hospital." None of the "ladies" are particularly excited to go forward with the planned match -- and I'm sure Team Bachelor had visions of their insurance rates quadrupling -- so Sean calls off the game. "Let's just go old school and have a free skate instead!" Cue the Steve Perry, guys! 

NEXT: Tierra tantrums her way to a rose

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