Rose lovers! How are you this fine day? I'm feeling a bit jet-lagged after following Brad all the way to South Africa for this segment of his "journey." At least I was able to take a nap during the first five minutes of the episode, which was yet another review of the three "ladies" left -- Chantal the hysteric, Ashley the skeptic, and Emily the Tragic Mom -- so I think I'm gonna be able to power through.
Finally, Brad's plane lands in beautiful South Africa, which the Bachelor explains is "a very vast land of exotic animals." It's also a land where he'll get to spend some "very intimate time" with the "ladies" at the lovely-looking Lion Sands Private Game Reserve. First up is Chantal, whose top half understands she's in Africa, but her bottom half thinks she's serving moonshine at the Boar's Nest in Hazzard County. She actually seems surprised that she and Brad will be going on a safari… Perhaps she thought a "private game reserve" was a place where valuable copies of Sorry! and Parcheesi are kept in climate-controlled play rooms? Anyhoo, Chantal and Brad drive past lions, rhinos, elephants, one very mellow giraffe, and then sit down for a riverbank picnic in clear view of a hippo.
At dinner, the discussion turns to getting engaged, a ritual that Chantal believes means something on this show. "If I'm getting engaged to someone, the thought is that I'm planning on marrying them," she says. "It's not like you're getting engaged thinking I'm going to get unengaged." Seriously, because that never happens. While it sounds romantic, in fact, Chantal is issuing Brad a steely-eyed threat: "You're promising that person that you're getting married to them," she warns, "and your word is your word." Capisce? When Chris' invitation to the Fantasy Suite arrives, Chantal practically knocks the table over rushing to drag Brad to bed… which happens to be in a treehouse… which happens to have no walls. So much for the privacy idea, Brad and Chantal -- you're going to be getting busy in front of all of God's creatures.
Day two in South Africa finds Brad greeting another woman wearing Daisy Dukes -- this time it's Emily, who pairs her short shorts with some well-worn cowboy boots. After a quick greeting Brad bolts into the bush and comes back riding on an elephant. Hop on board, blondie! The pachyderm carries Brad and Emily to a picnic, where they dive right into talking about the other elephant in the room: Emily's little girl. Is Brad ready to become a stepdaddy to a five-year-old? "Never in a million years would I even ask you to a movie," says the Bachelor, "if I didn't realize that you are a package deal -- and I love that about you." Nice answer, buddy! Let the kissing commence!
NEXT: Seriously what is with all the daisy dukes?