'The Bachelor' recap: Weeping Beauties

Hello, fellow rose-lovers! How are you this fine morning? Any mysterious bruising? I hope not. Our "journey" this week begins with Michelle, who -- like any good narcissistic wannabe actress -- is looking in the mirror. She is not pleased with what she sees -- and it's not because this is a special mirror that can see into the pitch black wasteland of her soul. No, it's because she has a black eye. A mysterious one. Alas, this black eye is not the result of one of the "ladies" sucker punching Michelle in the night -- as we were so deviously led to believe by Team Bachelor. "Maybe it's stress," muses Mole Hair. "It is so bizarre." Maybe, or maybe her dignity punched her from the inside.

Harrison arrives in a Mr. Rogers cardigan that is so distracting -- Why a cardigan? Was he chilly, or did the stylist pick it out for him? If the latter, why put a drab grey-blue, extra-large sweater over his jaunty plaid shirt? -- I pretty much don't hear anything he says. All of a sudden Lindsay is opening the date card (how nice that the "ladies" gave her something to do!) and revealing that Chantal will be going "deep" with Brad, one-on-one. Black Eye is not pleased. I'm pretty sure she's never pleased. At least she gets to hijack the moment when Brad arrives to pick up Chantal by announcing to the Bachelor in her sneery little girl voice, "I woke up with a black eye this morning!" Brad doesn't really know what to say ("Uh, you ok?"), but fortunately the whoosh of helicopter blades soon fills the air, and he's able to make a great escape with his slappy brunette in tow.

The whirlybird whisks them to Catalina Island, where Brad informs his aquaphobic date that they'll be walking on the bottom of the ocean, aided with those cartoonishly large deep sea helmets. Chantal manages to overcome her terror ("he's worth it"), and the duo has a lovely time strolling the sea floor hand in hand amongst the seaweed and tiny fish. (Stop! I'm on romance overload!) Once they wriggle out of their wetsuits and giant white helmets, it's off to a beachfront cabana tiki torch picnic situation, which is super dream-datey, but Chantal is feeling scared. "I was in such a long relationship with my ex-husband, the dating world is definitely out of my comfort zone," she explains. Still, she's "falling for" Brad, which results in this deep exchange of emotional insight:

Chantal: "I like you a lot."

Brad: "I like you a lot, too. No doubt about it. Absolutely no doubt about it."

She gets a rose, and they make out in the cabana. Meanwhile, back at Casa Bachelor, Black Eye Mole Hair McGee is talking Ashley 2's ear off about how much she hates Chantal. "I don't like being compared to Chantal," she whines. Guess what, toots? NO ONE IS COMPARING YOU TO CHANTAL. Michelle is unable to comprehend that fact, however, and her obtuseness is wreaking havoc on her digestive system. "I wake up with heartburn," she whimpers. "I don't sleep." (Wait, which is it? You're waking up or you're not sleeping? I'm confused.) All the while, Ashley 2 looks on with a Fake Furrowed Brow of Concern. As thunder rumbles ominously in the background, Michelle continues her tirade, calling Chantal "loud" and "hard." Oh, honey -- pot, kettle, black on both counts.

NEXT: Was Dr. Marcia Fieldstone not available?

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