'The Bachelor' recap: The Whole Tooth

"Ladies, come join me in the living room please!" You know what those nine sweet words mean, rose lovers: It's time for another massive misstep in Brad's Bachelor "journey."

Tonight's installment starts with Harrison gathering the women for a brief date card pep-talk (in a bright blue shirt that looks suspiciously like the one he wore last week -- but it isn't, I checked… because I am just that lame), and to deliver the news that Ashley 2 will be going on the first one-on-one date of the week. "I'm gonna make sure that Brad kisses me today," she chirps. Not so fast, Ashley 2 -- first, you have to commit a wartime atrocity against a defenseless pop song! Yes, this intimate date involves Brad and his bachelorette defiling studio A in Los Angeles' landmark Capitol Records building by recording "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal. (To what end, Team Bachelor? What do you have against my ears? Why do you hate that poor sound engineer guy in the booth? What did Seal ever do to you?) Brad and Ashley 2 honk their way through it -- let's just say, she's a little bit Linda McCartney, he's a little bit Peter Brady -- and both seem to have a good sense of humor about their excruciating lack of talent. Then Seal shows up to perform a private concert for the tone-deaf duo, which makes Ashley 2 teary-eyed because "Kiss From a Rose" reminds her of her dear, departed dad. (And I'm sure it reminds Seal of the time he was relevant. Zing!)

All those emotions come spilling out at yet another rooftop bar, where Ashley 2 tells Brad all about her dad's sudden passing. The Bachelor rubs her knee as a heaping plate of edamame looks on. Of course she gets a rose! What kind of jackass would send a girl packing after she cries about her dead father? Also, to be fair (hey, there's a first time for everything!), I think Brad does kind of like Ashley 2 -- she's sweet 'n' girly, and totally non-threatening. As they dance and kiss on the Capitol Records roof, over at Casa Bachelor… ding dong! The Accent Table of Doom is at the door! It has some news that Michelle is not going to like at all: She is going on a group date with Lindsay, Shawntel, Alli, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantal, Ashley 1, Lisa, Stacey, and Marissa. "I am so sick and tired of spending my dates with other women," she gripes.

That's too bad, toots, because Brad is expecting this group date to reveal "which of these women can get down and dirty" and "really get into something physical." Dude, could you try just a little bit harder with your double entendres? When the "ladies" arrive, Brad begins to welcome them when KABLAM! A minor explosion goes off about 100 feet away, and then some t-shirted "thugs" begin "attacking" Brad. He defends himself by swinging a shovel in their general direction -- and the breeze is so strong it knocks them all down like dominoes. What in the name of Jean-Claude Van Damme is going on here? Isn't it obvious? It's time to film an action movie no one will ever, ever see! Because that's totally how you get to know someone, by watching them give a stunt guy a fake punch to the solar plexus.

NEXT: Michelle threatens Brad with a "slippery" kiss

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